DEADLY DREAMS (1988)

WELL NOW, A TITLE LIKE THAT JUST BEGS TO BE TAMPERED WITH, AND IF YOU’RE NOT A FAN OF THIS NOT-YET-NOR-EVER-WILL-BE-ON-DVD HORROR FILM, IT WON’T TAKE MUCH SKILL TO REPLACE “DREAMS” WITH “DULL” AND CALL YOURSELF CLEVER. JUST LIKE MOVIEOVERLORD73 ON IMDB DID. BUT, WHILE DEADLY DREAMS DOESN’T EXACTLY MOVE AT LIGHTNING SPEED, IT’S GOT ENOUGH TWISTS AND TURNS AND FREAKY DREAM SCENES TO KEEP YOU INTERESTED UNTIL THE FULL-ON TWILIGHT ZONE TWIST ENDING COMES. AND THE KILLER WEARS A WOLF MASK. OR MAYBE IT’S AN OPOSSUM. OR MAYBE IT’S FOX MULDER…

GREAT. THE FIRST HORROR MOVIE VILLAIN WHO LICKS HIS OWN ASSHOLE.

OUR HEART-WARMING STORY BEGINS WITH THE MURDER OF ALEX’S PARENTS, WHEN WOLFPOSSUM HUFFS AND PUFFS AND BLOWS DOWN THE FRONT DOOR OF THEIR POSH LITTLE SUBURBAN MANSION WITH A .22 CALIBER RIFLE ON CHRISTMAS EVE. WOLFIE THEN CHASES LITTLE ALEX (WHO’S ONLY TEN AT THIS POINT) THROUGH THE FOREST, AND JUST WHEN HE’S ABOUT TO CATCH HIM…BAM! THE NOW 25-YEAR-OLD ALEX WAKES UP FROM A BAD DREAM. GET USED TO THIS. YOU’LL SEE IT APPROXIMATELY 20 OR 30 TIMES MORE BEFORE THESE 79 MINUTES ARE UP.

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY GETTING STRANGLED BY A WOLFMAN WOULD GIVE YOU A CHUBBY?

ACTUALLY, FUCK THAT, YOU’LL SEE IT OFTEN ENOUGH JUST IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES, AS WOLFMAN JACKOFF KILLS PRETTY MUCH EVERY FRIEND POOR ALEX HANGS WITH. OF COURSE, THEY’RE JUST NIGHTMARE VISIONS REALLY. OR ARE THEY? BUT WHEN OUR SILVER-TONGUED CASANOVA BANGS A HOT LIMBER FLASHDANCER NAMED MAGGIE THE FIRST NIGHT HE MEETS HER, OLD WOLFIE BOY LEAVES HER ALONE. THANK GOD TOO, BECAUSE IT GIVES US OUR FIRST NUDE SCENE OF THE FILM. TRY NOT TO LAUGH WHEN THE ENTIRE BED SPINS AROUND LIKE IT’S SOME BAD TRYST FROM RED SHOE DIARIES RUNNING AT 2 AM ON SKINEMAX. BUT IT’S OKAY TO LAUGH WHEN ALEX THROWS A SHIRT OVER A DEER HEAD MID-COITUS. ‘CUZ, Y’KNOW, HE’S SPOOKED BY ANIMAL HEADS, HEH HEH. OH, AND WAY TO CONCENTRATE ON HER NEEDS, DUDE.

THIS IS THE ONLY HOTTIE IN THE FILM. FROM NOW ON, PHOTOS WILL CONCENTRATE ON HER.

AS ALEX’S BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY NIGHTMARES MOUNT, HE FINALLY TELLS HIS OLDER BROTHER JACK, WHO EXPRESSES SYMPATHY BY PUTTING HIM IN A HEADLOCK, THEN HE TELLS HIS BEST BUDDY DANNY, WHO POINTS A LOADED SNIPER RIFLE AT THIS HEAD. IT DOESN’T HELP THAT DANNY’S GOT A SHELF FULL OF STUFFED PENGUINS IN HIS BEDROOM AND…HEY, WHAT’S THAT? A WOLF/FOX/POSSUM MASK UNDER HIS HAMPER OF SOILED UNDIES? NOW HOW’D THAT GET THERE?

HEY, I'D SHOOT SOMEONE WITH HAIR LIKE THAT TOO.

WHO THE FUCK KNOWS? WE NEVER DO FIND OUT. AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU’LL FIND MORE ANSWERS IN AN EPISODE OF “LOST” THAN IN DEADLY DREAMS. HERE, REALITY AND DREAMS HUMP EACH OTHER LIKE THE CAST OF “REAL WORLD” ON ECSTASY. ANY TIME SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENS ON SCREEN, YOU’RE JUST WAITING FOR SOME FUCKER TO WAKE UP. BESIDES, NONE OF THESE KIDS IS VERY SYMPATHETIC ANYWAY – ALEX LOOKS LIKE A SIMPERING BRAT WITH THAT FLAPPY 80’S HAIR, AND HIS BROTHER JACK’S AN OUTRIGHT DICK. WHICH IS KINDA WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SUDDENLY INHERIT YOUR PARENTS’ MONEY AND BUSINESS AFTER THEY’RE SHOT TO DEATH ON CHRISTMAS EVE BY AN EVIL POSSUM RAT. EXAMPLE: WHEN ALEX INTRODUCES HIS NEW ROOM-SPINNING, DEERHUNTING PIECE OF MICHAEL SEMBELLO ASS MAGGIE TO HIS BROTHER JACK, JACK RESPONDS BY ASKING HER IF SHE’S EVER WORKED WITH “SAM WEINBERG” IN NEW YORK. WHEN SHE ANSWERS YES, HE SNORTS AND SAYS “THERE IS NO SAM WEINBERG” AND CALLS HER A GOLD DIGGER. NOW, I’M NO OFF-BROADWAY EXPERT, AND I HAVEN’T BEEN TO A MUSICAL IN NEW YORK SINCE THE DAYS OF “YOUR ARMS TOO SHORT TO BOX WITH GOD,” BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU – IF THERE AIN’T AT LEAST ONE GUY WORKING IN NEW YORK THEATRE BY THE NAME OF SAM WEINBERG, I’D BE PRETTY FUCKING SHOCKED.

BABY, YOU'RE SO HOT THE ROOM IS SPINNING! OH, IT REALLY IS SPINNING?

WELL, THE RED HERRINGS AND WOLF FANTASIES CONTINUE, AS ALEX FINDS A DEAD DEER IN HIS BATHTUB WITH HIS NAME SCRAWLED IN BLOOD ABOVE IT. LATER, WHEN HE GETS THE SHERIFF TO INVESTIGATE, ALL THE BLOOD AND DEER PARTS ARE, STRANGELY ENOUGH, GONE. DON’T LOOK FOR ANY ANSWERS TO THAT LITTLE POSER EITHER. THE SHERIFF, MEANWHILE, IS AS FED UP AS THE REST OF US, AND CHASTISES THE RICH YOUNG HEIRS WITH WHAT MIGHT BE THE BEST LINE OF THE MOVIE: “I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU GODDAMN COLLEGE KIDS AND YOUR GODDAMN DRUGS AND YOUR GODDAMN BULLSHIT! (LONG PAUSE) GOOD NIGHT!” YEP, HE’S SPEAKING FOR ALL OF US.

CROTCHETY SHERIFF PLAYED BY ELMER CANDY, JOHN'S LESS FAMOUS LITTLE BROTHER.

DRUGS AND BULLSHIT INDEED. HOW ELSE CAN YOU EXPLAIN A SCENE WHERE ALEX MYSTERIOUSLY RUNS INTO HIS FRIEND DANNY IN A GRAVEYARD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, DRESSED IN CAMOUFLAGE AND HOLDING THAT FAVORITE RIFLE OF HIS. DANNY’S EXPLANATION? “I’VE BEEN OUT HUNTING ALL DAY.” YEAH, BUT IT’S NIGHT. AND YOU’RE IN A GRAVEYARD. ALEX, THOUGH, HE SEEMS OKAY WITH THIS ALIBI. ME, I SAY “GODDAMN COLLEGE KIDS AND THEIR GODDAMN DRUGS AND GODDAMN BULLSHIT! GOOD NIGHT SIR!”

YEP. ROOM STILL SPINNING.

SEE, THE WHOLE THING KINDA PLAYS OUT LIKE THAT “HARPER’S ISLAND” TV MINI-SERIES. THE ORIGINAL MAN IN THE WOLF MASK – THE ONE THAT SHOT ALEX’S PARENTS WHEN HE WAS TEN – TURNS OUT THAT WAS A GUY NAMED NORMAN PERKINS (HMM…WONDER WHERE THEY GOT THAT NAME FROM? WAS IT TOO LATE TO ADD A DEPUTY NAMED ANTHONY BATES?). NORMAN SUPPOSEDLY KILLED HIMSELF AFTER THE HOMICIDE…OR DID HE? AND JUST LIKE WE DID FOR JOHN WAKEFIELD, WE’RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THIS FOR 79 MINUTES. WHICH, THANKFULLY, IS A LOT LESS THAN 14 EPISODES SPREAD OUT OVER 4 MONTHS ON A SHITTY TV NETWORK WITH A PAYOFF THAT SUCKS BALLS. YEAH, “HARPER’S ISLAND” TOOK A LOT OF VALUABLE TIME OUT OF MY LIFE, AND I’M STILL GETTING OVER THAT.

YEP. SHE'S A REDHEAD.

WELL, WITH BAGGAGE LIKE THAT, HOW CAN I RECOMMEND DEADLY DREAMS? WELL, FOR ONE, IT’S GOT WOLFBOY. AND IT’S GOT THAT WHOLE DREAM/REALITY THING THAT STARTS OUT ANNOYING AND THEN JUST GETS FUNNY. AND IT’S GOT A PISSED OFF SCOTT SALEM FUCK-EVERYBODY CROTCHETY SHERIFF WHO SAYS EXACTLY WHAT I’M THINKING. AND IT’S GOT JULIETTE CUMMINS AS MAGGIE, WHO MAKES THE ROOM SPIN AROUND THE FIRST TIME SHE BANGS, AND DOES IT DOGGIE STYLE THE SECOND TIME! OR, SHOULD I SAY, WOLFIE STYLE? OOPS, DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

AND ONE FOR THE LADIES...

YES, THERE’S A TWIST ENDING, AND YOU MIGHT’VE SEEN IT COMING IF YOU WATCHED “HARPER’S ISLAND” AND GOD HELP YOU IF YOU DID. ACTUALLY, THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, I BET THE CREATORS OF “HARPER’S ISLAND” STOLE THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF DEADLY DREAMS, PROBABLY KNOWING THAT THE FUCKER WOULD NEVER BE OUT ON DVD SO ONLY HARDCORE VHS NERDS LIKE US WOULD EVER KNOW. BUT WE GOT BLOGS. AND WE’RE SPREADING THE NEWS. AND GODDAMMIT, DEADLY DREAMS IS BETTER THAN “HARPER’S ISLAND” BECAUSE IT’S GOT DANCER TITS AND WOLF MASKS AND CREEPY GUYS NAMED NORMAN PERKINS. AND I JUST BET ONE OF THE GUYS WHO WORKED ON “HARPER’S ISLAND” WAS NAMED SAM WEINBERG. FUCK SAM WEINBERG. DEADLY DREAMS GETS 3 OUT OF 5 KARIS.

FAST FORWARDING TO THE GOOD PARTS:

26 MINUTES – WE WEREN’T ALL LUCKY ENOUGH TO LAND A FLASHDANCER BACK IN THE LATE 80’S, NOR WERE WE LUCKY ENOUGH TO BANG HER ON THE FIRST NIGHT! ALEX WAS. ALEX IS THE MAN.

42 MINUTES – THE DEAD DEER IN THE BATHTUB SCENE. IT’S LIKE “THE GODFATHER” FOR THE FIELD AND STREAM CROWD.

57 MINUTES – FULL-ON WOLFIE STYLE DANCER SEX FROM BEHIND! JULIETTE CUMMINS, I KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU THAN I SHOULD.

OOH BABY, YOU'RE HUNG LIKE A POSSUM!

BLOOD TRACKS (1986)

“Wherever we turn, there ain’t no way back
From the final burn, to the final attack!
Blood tra-a-a-a-cks!”

Pardon me, if you will, for rocking like nobody’s business there, but I just can’t help myself after watching 1986’s cannibal-cavemen-on-the-ski-slopes no-budget no-brains horror fest BLOOD TRACKS, which is so bad, boys and girls, it’s not even out on DVD. Keep in mind, they're re-releasing every Jess Franco movie they can get their paws on. Shit, even Pauly Shore movies are on DVD. So just how bad can BLOOD TRACKS be then? So bad, it’s good. That’s a cliché. There’ll be plenty more where that came from.

EASY ACTION. THEY MAY NOT ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE, BUT WOULD YOU SETTLE FOR A STIFF WINTER BREEZE?

Really, you’d be hard-pressed to find a movie that’s more locked in its year than this one. BLOOD TRACKS screams 1986 more than a Sheila E video. From the bad hair metal band Easy Action – obviously not named after the groovy Alice Cooper album – who hair-flip and air-guitar their way through the theme song like Ronnie James Dio being strangled by a Yeti (and don’t think I haven’t prayed for that). To the band of Haysi Fantayzee extras posing as groupies who look more faux new wave than a Liquid Sky convention. And either I got confused or fell asleep early in this one, because it sounds like the groupies have their own pop band, or go by the name of Solid Gold, since the minute they set foot on the ski slopes the crowd goes positively apeshit, chanting “Solid Gold! Solid Gold! Solid Gold!” until Marilyn McCoo herself claws her way out of the snow and tells them to shut the fuck up already. As the girls in Montel’s audience used to say, “They ain’t all that!”

DID SOMEBODY ORDER A DALE BOZZIO WET DREAM?

Trouble’s a-brewin’ in BLOOD TRACKS right off the bat. Our beloved and bubblegum-chewing Dale Bozzios are having none of this snow shit. “I’m gonna freeze my tits off!” one of ‘em yells right after getting off her rock and roll Roadmaster, to which the video director replies, “Who told you snow was warm?” Too-shay, Mr. Doo-shay, it’s bon mots like these I’ve been craving ever since Meatballs 3 went out of print. But before you can roll on the floor laughing your ass off, Easy Action suddenly appears on a snowbank and starts rocking like no one’s ever rocked before (in the history of rockin’) with that godawful shitty sub-Goth metal fuck song they call “Blood Tracks.” “Wherever we turn, there ain’t no way back! From the final burn, to the final attack! Blood tra-a-a-a-acks!” And if you think that sounds a little like Europe’s “Final Countdown,” wait’ll you hear the music. Never in my life did I think a band could make Winger look tough, but these snow pansies do just that.

EVERYTHING THAT COULD EVER BE WRONG WITH MUSIC.

Needless to say, their excessive rocking causes a sudden avalanche, and now our heroes are trapped in the slopes with their 80’s selves for a long time like some endless Square Pegs marathon in Antarctica. To cut a long story short (and I wish the makers of BLOOD TRACKS had), the group get killed off one by one by a freakish family of decaying cavemen who throw big steel girders in the air and buy their clothes from the Goodwill shop without washing them first. If you’re looking for gore, forget it – the killings and impalings in BLOOD TRACKS are too dark to see, and there’s probably a good reason for that. If you’re looking for sex, there’s some of that, but it’s filmed in that super-extre-e-e-m closeup MTV quick-cut crap style so you don’t get to actually see much of the good pink stuff, and again, there’s probably a good reason for that too. I swear the punkish blonde who gets banged early on is the same one in the 1986 cheapie Pod People ripoff BREEDERS, but don’t quote me on that. And don’t tell anyone I actually watched both movies.

BRETT MICHAELS WITH YOUR LITTLE SISTER.

Here’s the good news. Easy Action never play again. But by now you’ve sat through the theme song twice, so the producers are obviously showing you some mercy. Amazingly, our Winger wannabees don’t even get to play over the end credits – instead we get some weak Celtic new wave band like the Pogues or the Boomtown Rats going Adult Contemporary. No avalanche here, kids. These guys couldn’t even put a crack in an ice pond.

EITHER THIS IS ONE OF THE CREEPY CAVE CLAN TERRORIZING OUR 80'S SKIERS, OR IT'S COREY FELDMAN. I FORGET WHICH.

So yeah, I wanted to like BLOOD TRACKS because, despite what you may think, the 80’s were actually kinda cool when you think about it - I mean, they gave us MTV, Wall of Voodoo and Kari Wuhrer. But like the 80’s, BLOOD TRACKS is all superficial – the hair, the fashion and the eye shadow are there, but there’s no heart. No good sex. And no scares. And by anchoring their film with bad hair metal rather than a semi-decent synth pop new wave band, the makers of BLOOD TRACKS tell you exactly where their movie’s heading. Yep. This one sucks you like a hurricane.

WHY IS IT THAT JAPANESE SUBTITLES ALWAYS SEEM TO BE IN THE WRONG PLACE?

The 80's cheeze is peaking in the red on this one. Bad hair metal. Bad hair. Bad makeup. In a way, this is better than going to a Thor concert. Good for all the wrong reasons and endlessly entertaining. Just wish there were more tits. I'll go right up the middle with this one. 2 and a half Karis. Don't watch it alone, or sober.

DEADLY FRIEND (1986)

THIS IS WHY THEY TELL YOU TO LET YOUR PLAYSTATION 3 COOL DOWN

DEADLY FRIEND is so rooted in the 80's, it's funny. Well, it's not funny actually, nor is it scary. Unless you think the old deformed crotchety lady from THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN is scary, and you're right. I watched this while napping and was about to call it a cross between REVENGE OF THE NERDS and SHORT CIRCUIT when a basketball suddenly crushed a head like a blood-filled melon and made me momentarily say "Totally cool!" (I guess I got into the 80's frame of mind).

NOW THAT'S A BUZZER BEATER!

A few more bloody killings and I wondered why this so-called "horror" film took over an hour to get to the horror. What's really scary is what I wanted to do to Kristy Swanson and I'm not even sure she was legal when this was made. Deadly dull, until the last 20 minutes, and I apologize for the cheap cliche. But Kristy Swanson remained clothed, and even a man-eating robot couldn't save it. This is why they divide DVDs into chapters.

SHE LOOKED BETTER AFTER TAKING A BASKETBALL

...AND GOD SPOKE (1994)

This 1994 film is the WAITING FOR GUFFMAN of independent filmmaking, but unlike Christopher Guest's films, you don't know these guys (except for the inspired cameos), which makes it even more believable. This time you're not watching characters played by Parker Posey and Harry Shearer and Fred Willard (as great as they are) - so you get the idea that ...AND GOD SPOKE might actually be real. You'll notice some future stars among the cast (Parker's husband in BEST IN SHOW, a future SNL cast member) which just goes to show you how strong an improv cast is behind this unknown little film. And in the filmmakers minds, it all makes perfect sense – after casting a complete unknown in the role of the somewhat important Biblical part of God, Stephen Rappaport remarks “You won’t recognize God.” Which is as it should be, right? The few past stars that are here are so “past” that you might not even consider them stars anymore, unless you frequent biannual Fright Fests in Parsippany New Jersey – Eve Plumb (TV’s Jan Brady) as Mrs. Noah, Lou Ferrigno as Cain and Andy Dick as Abel, and the venerable Soupy Sales as Moses who, much like Soupy Sales, knows the value of good product placement. Which makes me think - I wonder if the bit where Soupy Sales pushes his sons' Tin Machine album was actually scripted. I really do.

DUMB DORA IS SO DUMB, SHE WANTED TO MAKE BACON SO SHE FUCKED A BLANK. GOOD ANSWER, SOUPY! TOO BAD THE CONTESTANT SAID "OPRAH WINFREY."

BLEEDERS (1997)

KIDS WOULD OFTEN TEASE THE BLEEDERS IN GRADE SCHOOL, CALLING THEM "THREE EYES" AND SHIT. GRADE SCHOOL KIDS ARE ROUGH.

Man, did I get suckered into this one. And I’ve got a fucking marketing degree! If I were Japanese, I’d be shamed enough to run a sword through my abdomen. But hey, my hat’s off to whoever designed the videobox art on BLEEDERS, they got me fair and square. And if I’d have paid one more penny for this thing, I might actually get upset. But $2.48 on Ebay isn’t so much to pay for a good lesson now, is it?

I remember the old days when Blockbuster Video shelves were lined with both VHS boxes and DVD cases. I know, I know, I'm dating myself. Not so much by mentioning VHS tapes, but by mentioning Blockbuster Video! BLEEDERS always stood out from the pack, what with that awesome plastic pouch filled with fake blood. The fucker actually bled, just like they said it would. Not only that, those horrifying little deformed creatures that occasionally poked their pig snouts out from under the blood - Were they the so-called bleeders? Or did they cause others to bleed? Or was this just a Japanese version of BREEDERS? Sorry, bad racial slur there. My 14-year-old horror-seeking heart pounded at the possibilities inside this cool as fuck blood pack box. This couldn't be any less than awesome, could it?

THE BLEEDERS PROMO BLOOD PACK, IN ALL ITS PROMO BLOOD PACK FUCK GLORY.

Well, turns out I never rented BLEEDERS back in the day, because my parents had the card and probably picked something shitty like WINGS OF THE DOVE or MY BEST FRIEND’S WEDDING or BLACK DEVIL DOLL FROM HELL instead. So a decade and a half later, I'm all grown up and now actually have the money to buy the fucker, groovy bleeding sac of hemoglobin intact (although no longer as fluid as it was back in 1997, oh well), and sat back finally to watch this veritable Plasma-Thon in all its gory glory.

And you know what? It sucks.

ERNEST BORGNINE IS NOT LOOKING WELL THESE DAYS.

Not even Rutger Hauer can save this one. That’s right, Rutger Fucking Hauer – Roy Batty himself – somehow got conned into starring in BLEEDERS. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. There’s also a crazy granny with a rifle (always a good thing), a nigh-albino lead actor who looks like a reject from LOST BOYS II, and a leading lady who’s actually kinda hot in a Faith Ford meets Ilsa the Wicked Warden way, although it takes forever for her to show the goods. In fact, that’s the problem with BLEEDERS in a nutshell. It takes forever for anything to happen. The actual Bleeders themselves, if that’s what the fuck they are, don’t show up until 56 minutes in, and even that one’s dead on a slabheap getting autopsied by Roy Batty. And if it ain’t bad enough Rutger’s gotta be in this crapheap, he’s gotta say things like “this thing’s got three stomachs,” or, worse yet, stick his Replicant fucking arm elbow-deep into a rubber monster and say “It’s a fully formed vagina!” Swear to God, that's an actual quote. And lemme tell you, that’s one hell of a long way away from “like tears…in the rain.”

I SAID TAPIOCA, MOTHERFUCKER!

Okay, so what I’m saying is, if you wanna go and just fast forward 55 and a half minutes in, feel free to do that. Because absolutely nothing happens before that. Seriously. At 1:06, an actual living, breathing, moving Bleeder kicks the living shit out of that overacting NRA rifle-toting Granny, so right off the bat, you kinda like the little guys. And the action – if you can call it that – literally all happens in the last ten minutes, when Rutger Fucking Hauer and Keifer Sutherland’s anorexic cousin and Faith Ford the Dominatrix all flee to a lighthouse while the Bleeders scramble up the rocks. Okay, “scramble” is a strong word here. The Bleeders, now clad in thrift store chic, kinda shuffle toward the lighthouse, and move so slow they kinda remind me of the Skeksis in DARK CRYSTAL. I mean, if this dumbass cast really wanted to get away from the Bleeders, a simple brisk walking pace would do. No, these guys decide to hole themselves inside a lighthouse, but even still they’re pretty easy targets for Rutger’s rifle or the giant lighthouse lantern (much like Crispin Glover, the Bleeders don’t seem to like light). But, as luck would have it, Rutger runs out of shells and a giant lightning bolt from fucking nowhere suddenly strikes the lighthouse and cuts all power. A sign from an angry God, who also purchased the blood pack VHS copy from Ebay for the BuyItNow price of $29.99, and is pissed like the rest of us. Rutger Hauer put it best when he once said, in a slightly better film, "Time to die."

GRANNY TAKES A TRIP. "I'VE FALLEN, AND I WON'T BE GETTING UP!"

If you’re still awake, or sober, you’ll notice the first Bleeder to get to the lighthouse door actually knocks – they’re polite little shits apparently. But no one answers so they kinda bust in anyway, and then the top floor of the lighthouse where everyone’s hiding kinda just conveniently caves in because, well, because otherwise it would take five fucking years for those slowpoke carnival freaks to waddle up the staircase for Christ’s sake. The Bleeders immediately make off with the annoying kid, then start pawing at the blonde, and those two things make ‘em heroes in my book so yeah, I’m rooting for them even more than I'm rooting for Rutger Fucking Hauer.

SHE'S HOT, AND SHE'S ABOUT TO TAKE OFF THAT SWEATER...

But before the blonde can get killed, or at least justifiably molested, some heretofore completely unseen mean ass lesbian chick jumps down into the fray and screams “No FUCKING WAY!” I don’t know who she is, where she came from, or why her only three words in the whole film don’t even make sense, but luckily she gets killed right away by the Bleeders, who I’m now openly cheering for. More fighting ensues, some people get away and others don’t, and then something else happens and the credits roll. Really, does it even matter?

THIS IS WHAT I IMAGINE THE LEAD SINGER OF DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL LOOKS LIKE.

As a thirty-minute episode of TALES FROM THE DARKSIDE or the long-lost Sci-Fi (sorry, it’s SyFy now right?) Channel series MONSTERS, BLEEDERS would’ve been pretty good, if somewhat vapid and non-eventful. As a 90-minute film, it blows big chunks of Skeksis feces, because a) it’s never scary, b) the blonde waits almost 80 minutes to show the goods, and c) it’s not even bloody. And it’s called BLEEDERS for fucks sake! If you do go out anyway and buy this videotape (it’s not on DVD), make sure you get the fancy limited-edition plastic blood pack version, because that’s the ONLY FUCKING BLOOD YOU’LL EVER SEE!

YOUR ONLY REWARD FOR SITTING THROUGH 90 MINUTES OF BLOODLESS HELL. STILL, KINDA WORTH IT.

In short, rent. Fast forward. Fast forward again. Drink a bottle of vodka and enjoy. It’s like Rutger Fucking Hauer once said, “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I’ve watched C-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhauser Gate. All those moments…will be lost in time…like tears…in rain…Hey, it’s a fully-formed vagina!”

One out of five Kari's.
FAST FORWARDING TO THE GOOD PARTS:
0 – 56: Nothing. I already warned ya.

:56 – Doctor Rutger autopsies a Bleeder. It still doesn’t bleed.
1:06 – The most annoying Granny in modern cinema gets offed by a Bleeder. That Bleeder is now my favorite thing in life.

1:12 – Some toplessness, but it’s on a dead girl hanging upside down. Still, if that’s your thing…

1:20 – Our dominatrix blonde finally loses her shirt. Jesus, I’ve waited 80 fucking minutes for this gravity-defying moment of sheer awesomeness? Yeah, worth it.

CORKY, WHAT YOU BEEN DOIN' SINCE THEY TOOK "LIFE GOES ON" OFF THE AIR?

ALLEY CAT (1984)

THE REAL STARS OF ALLEY CAT

I kinda feel bad reviewing films like ALLEY CAT. I mean, we all know why films like this were made. Sure, you can say it’s a low-budget feminist take on DEATH WISH, or a non-existent-budget take on THE TERMINATOR, but I doubt this was movie was marketed to feminists or sci-fi purists. Like SAVAGE STREETS (featuring the suddenly-grown-up-in-a-D-cup-way Linda Blair), ALLEY CAT was only on videostore shelves for one target audience – namely the little boys who couldn’t push their way through the back room curtains yet. So instead of watching season pros like Traci Lords or Amber Lynn, the little boys here get Karen Mani, who you’ve never heard of before for a reason. With a face like Pat Benatar and a voice like Lily Tomlin during her I HEART HUCKABEES tirade, she’s only in ALLEY CAT for one reason. Okay, two reasons. Okay, three reasons. And only two are above the waist (at least in 1984 they were, nowadays they might extend a little lower). And lemme tell you something, for little boys in the black hole of sex we called 1984, Karen doesn’t disappoint.

HEY, WHAT'S THAT DOWN THERE...OH RIGHT, IT WAS 1984.

Karen’s previous acting experience included the role of Bina in the “Raj Moves Out” episode of the hit 80’s TV show What’s Happenin’ (I ain’t makin’ this shit up), so anyone expecting the thespian moves of a young Kate Winslett will be slightly disappointed. But go in expecting an actress whose direct competition includes Wendy Jo Sperber and Mindy Cohn and you’ll be happy to learn that Karen holds her own, bringing all three emotions she learned from 80’s TV (pouting, flirting and…er, pouting in a flirty way) to her role as “Belinda Clarke.” Which, by the way, sounds frighteningly close to another film babe, Melinda Clarke, who absolutely rocked Return of the Living Dead 3 and Return to Two Moon Junction and every other film that started with “Return To”…sorry, I’m getting way off topic here. The long and short of it is, Karen Mani can’t act worth a damn, but she wasn’t hired for that. She’s got a wonderful full frontal shower scene early on, and another hot prison shower scene later where she gets hit on by a leering hot lesbian. So if you’ve ever wondered what Pat Benatar would look like in the shower if she had much bigger meat balloons and a voice like Lily Tomlin after two cartons of Pall-Malls, then brother, ALLEY CAT is your own personal CITIZEN KANE.

SHE'S GOT A GOLD TOOTH, YOU KNOW SHE'S HARDCORE

Okay, so even two great fully frontal shower scenes can’t carry an entire film (well, for me they can), so now we get to the weak part of ALLEY CAT. In other words, everything else. The basic premise here is that a bunch of street thugs mug Karen’s grandparents, and I use the term “thugs” loosely here because these guys look like they’d have trouble taking the cast of MAMMA MIA in a backyard brawl. Yet in the confusion of figuring out how to hold a switchblade without looking too much like an Alvin Ailey dancer, the Off-Broadway thugs somehow end up stabbing Grandma and killing her. This doesn’t sit well with Big Titty Benatar, who screams out “Love is a battlefield!” before vowing to personally see that every one of the street mime/thugs is brought to justice. At first, she goes through the proper channels, bringing them before a judge. But the judge is corrupt, or beholden to the Mummenschantz lobby group, so he lets the thugs off with merely a wrist slap. Then, when Karen protests vehemently, he throws her in prison!!! Looks like our little Pat Benatar stunt double has learned a valuable lesson - In real life, Hell is not only for children.

BRING ME THE HEAD OF TERI NUNN, BITCH!

Well now, that’s gotta be one of the most shocking scenes in ALLEY CAT that doesn’t involve Karen’s tits, but we soon realize why it had to happen - it’s just a set-up, of course, for her obligatory prison shower scene, which again doesn’t disappoint. And it also lets us see how tough Karen really is – at least tough enough to beat up a couple of slightly hardened lesbian fashion models behind bars. So when she finally gets her freedom back, now she can go all I Spit On Your Grave on the thugs, one by one. I don’t think there’s actually a castration scene in ALLEY CAT, but every time Karen opened her mouth and spoke, my dick disappeared anyway.

Y'KNOW BABY, I USED TO BE A ROADIE FOR KAJAGOOGOO BACK IN THE DAY...

Fortunately for Karen, none of the thugs weigh in over 130 pounds, and they're more concerned with landing that plum supporting role in RENT, so she dispatches them pretty easily with her clumsy karate and even clumsier gunplay. For those she really hates, she gives copies of her 1991 jump blues CD True Love and lets them live. This continues until she finally meets the Lead Thug (played by Tom Bismarck, whose done NOTHING else), whose given an unexplained scar on his face that’s supposed to make him look hardened and tough but really only makes him look like he hasn’t quite gotten out of makeup yet from the last Pirates of Penzance performance. During the “big fight,” Karen gets the best of Lead Thug by swinging weakly from a rope while wearing a nice fuzzy red sweater, which knocks down a bunch of Styrofoam crates and forces the bad guy up to the roof. The rooftop battle is even more amazing, since Karen gets off a massive roundhouse kick to the thug’s face, which sends him reeling backward…oh, only a few inches in the shot. But luckily, through the magic of a horrible edit, he’s suddenly shown mid-scream falling off the edge of the roof to his death!! And that’s that. Karen goes off to look for a voice coach, while the rest of us pray she lets those sweater melons loose one more time. She doesn’t.

YOU CAN TELL HE'S TOUGH 'CUZ HE'S GOT A SCAR...AND HIS SHADES AREN'T PULLED DOWN STRAIGHT...UH, AND HE'S GOTTA PUT ONE OF THOSE MAKESHIFT THINGS IN HIS WINDOW FOR THE AIR CONDITIONER...

And yes, the film really DOES end with one of those freeze-frame comedy ha-ha moments straight out of Police Squad. Swear to God. It’s wonderful. Stick around for the credits, too, where third billing after “Billie” and “Johnny” goes to the character of “Hooker.” And no, that doesn’t mean William Shatner.

Karen Mani made one more film, a cameo in Avenging Angel starring Betsy Russell, another babe who got me through some lean weeks in high school. In that film, Karen took off all her clothes without speaking one word, so it looks like someone learned a valuable lesson from ALLEY CAT. I, on the other hand, prefer to remember her this way. In all her bucktooth-poutin’, Tomlin-shriekin’, shower-latherin’, karate-kickin’, street-mime-shreddin’ glory. Karen Mani, next to Betsy Russell, Melinda Clarke and Chuckie Spradling, you are my Z-movie babe. I wonder if Shirley Hemphill ever got a piece of that.

A first here at Ted Danson on the Ceiling. A perfect 5 out of 5 Kari's. Find it.

ALL GUSCHI FOR USCHI

Just a few words here for the delectable 60's German icon Uschi Obermaier, subject of 2007's "sweetened" biopic DAS WILDE LEBEN, aka EIGHT MILES HIGH for the English speaking Blockbuster customers. She was played by Natalia Avelon in the film, whose beauty was so breathtaking it led me to do some research on Uschi to find out if she was as striking as her film portrayal. Turns out she was, and is - a current interview with Uschi tucked away in the DVD bonus features finds her pushing 60 and living in Topanga Canyon and looking as amazing as ever. Really.

ONE WITH DRESS...

For those unhip to the wiles of Uschi, her resume is impressive too. She started out as a fashion model and actress, then became a member of a radical German left-wing party, then joined German freak-rock band Amon Duul for 2 albums, where she played maraccas (and if you've heard Amon Duul, you'll know that's as important a role as any). She was spotted by the Stones and invited along for their late 60's tours, where she did coke and the band, and also Jimi Hendrix it's rumored.

...AND ONE WITHOUT.

In short, Uschi was a model/actress who loved to jam with German musicians, fucked Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, and looked fabulous in a dress. Damn, the only other person I know who did all that was David Bowie.

USCHI, PLEASE, IF YOU'RE OUT THERE...CALL ME.