NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984)

AM I BUGGIN' YA? DIDN'T MEAN TO BUG YA...

I wanted to like this again, I really did, because back in 1984 I really loved it. But then again, I tucked my shirt in and listened to Devo records. Truthfully, NIGHT OF THE COMET bites and bites HARD by today's standards - it's not scary, the makeup is dreadful, and the 80's fashions (particularly the all-boy mall gang) are downright embarrassing.

EVERYONE WANTED TO BE TONI BASIL BACK IN THE EIGHTIES

The end of the world is depicted with a red sky and a lot of human dust, and for a few minutes, it's actually kind of chilling even if it comes nowhere near as close as 28 DAYS. But then a zombie shows up in a Spencer's Gifts latex mask and bad 80's plaid, and the mood's shot to hell.

SERIOUSLY DUDE, I'VE SEEN SCARIER FACES ON CELEBRITY REHAB!

Okay, I know I'm pissing on a cult classic here, and I guess if you're really REALLY drunk and still fantasize about boffing Pet Benatar while Molly Ringwald watches, I guess you could have some fun with NIGHT OF THE COMET. But otherwise, some memories are better left alone. Oh, and Kelli Maroney as a high school kid is about as convincing as Oprah Winfrey as an anorexic.

AW SHIT, J.J., DADDY'S GONNA WHUP YO' ASS NOW!

NIGHT OF THE COMET's as good as any time to introduce my new rating system, and what better way to rate B-movies than on a scale of 1 to 5 Kari Wuhrers (Five Kari's being the best, as well as a good way to die). And so, like Razzles and Pop Rocks, the memories of NIGHT OF THE COMET are far better than, y'know, actually watching the damned thing today, I give it a rather generous 2 and a half Karis. In other words, still a good time, but it ain't gonna kill ya.

HOW DO YOU SAY "GO FISH" IN FRENCH?

Someone asked me the other day if I could be anywhere in the world, at any time, with anyone, and I replied "Naked on the floor playing gin rummy with Brigitte Bardot circa 1963." No sooner had I said that, he wheeled out this giant Wish Maker Photo Machine thing and pressed a blinking red button and I'll be damned if this photograph didn't pop out. Then he charged me five bucks for the photo. Why don't they tell you about these "hidden charges" before you make your Giant Photo Wish?

FEMALE VAMPIRE (1973)

WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? IS THERE A STAIN ON MY...OH, SHIT!

There are some who call this Jess Franco's finest moment. And then there are some who swear the unshaven look is coming back in style. Anyone who gives this film more than one star clearly believes BOTH of those statements, and probably still lives at home with Mom. To say "this is Jess Franco's finest moment" is like saying "this is Pauly Shore's greatest performance" or "this is Ewe Boll's greatest triumph" - and parents, listen up: this movie is NOT for the kiddies. Seriously. The sight of a butt-ugly cellulite-ridden pasty-white Lina Romay wriggling uncomfortably on top of some hairy Dirk Diggler lookalike will almost certainly turn your children OFF to sex for the rest of their miserable life. You have been warned.

GOOD FOR THE PORES.

WHY ARE YOU STILL LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT? I PUT ON A SHIRT...OH, SHIT.

ALLEGRO NON TROPPO (1977)

UH-OH, LOOKS LIKE OPRAH'S HUNGRY AGAIN.

Carl Palmer of Emerson, Lake and Palmer was once asked why his band felt the need to do hamfisted rock versions of classical pieces, and he said "Hey, if it gets kids who wouldn't normally listen to classical music to hear a few of the masters, then why knock it?" Well, that's not a direct quote because I don't actually have the beat-up 1976 issue of CREEM to transcribe from, but you get the idea. And hey, if it takes a bunch of wacky Marx Brothers slapstick skits and some animated tits and ass to get Italian men interested in Sibelius, then why knock ALLEGRO NON TROPPO either? I mean, the film knocks itself before anyone else can anyway - no sooner do they start filming when the narrator gets a phone call from a lawyer representing "Prisney" or "Bisney" in Hollywood who claim "they've already done something like this."

HOPE THEY HAVE CONDOMS ON THE YELLOW SUBMARINE.

Prisneyland's got nothing to worry about. The animation in Bruno Bozetto's ALLEGRO NON TROPPO is much closer to FRITZ THE CAT and HEAVY METAL anyway. But I liked both those movies, and I liked ALLEGRO NON TROPPO too - if the animation's not as polished as Prisney Studios, it's also not as sterile. There's a loose, unfinished and deeply disturbed feel to these cartoons. I wouldn't be surprised if the animators weren't using some chemical substances to enhance their work - these were the late 70's after all.

DON'T EAT THE BROWN ACID, MAN!

The Evolution/Ascent of Man segment is one long acid trip, and there's another segment involving a stray cat and an abandoned building that had to have been created on the most powerful downers ever made. It's a powerful piece alright, but Jesus, this segment's more depressing than a LEAVING LAS VEGAS marathon.

DON'T WORRY, THERE'S A HAPPY ENDING. OH WAIT, NO THERE'S NOT.

So if you compare ALLEGRO NON TROPPO side by side with FANTASIA, it just doesn't match up. The budgets aren't the same, the slapstick live action segments nearly sink this one, and besides, the two films feel completely different. But dare I say ALLEGRO seems to stick with you longer, somewhere deep in your gut, that is, if you make it through the whole thing without taking an Atra blade to your wrists. And if it got the Italian kiddies of the Seventies to listen to Sibelius more than a shitty Emerson Lake and Palmer triple live record, then I'd say it's done its job admirably. Hey Bruno Bozetto, you've just created a FANTASIA for pill-poppers and acid freaks! What are you gonna do next? I'm going to Prisneyworld!

WELCOME BACK, MY FRIENDS, TO THE SHOW THAT NEVER ENDS. NO, I'M SERIOUS, IT REALLY NEVER ENDS.

TOKYO GORE POLICE (2008)

YEP, LOOKS LIKE A SNAPPER.

There's no question the Japanese are messed up, but just HOW messed up, well, that's still open for debate. Take TOKYO GORE POLICE. Please. It's got cute schoolgirls with giant alligator jaws for legs, key-shaped tumors that split apart on your arms when they're inserted into a flesh keyhole, and dominatrix Gimp dogs who walk on legs made of samurai blades. If all this sounds a little...well, weird, let's face it, you gotta try really hard to shock people in a country where can still buy used panties in a sandwich bag in the back of your local grocery store.

SHE'S HOT, BUT SHE TAKES FOREVER TO GET READY IN THE MORNING.

Remember that fat kid in the 8th grade who tried way too hard to be your friend? He might've been a decent friend if he didn't try too hard. Well, TOKYO GORE POLICE is that fat kid. This film tries real hard to gross you out - the only problem is - the gore is so fake, it makes BLOODSUCKING FREAKS look like an autopsy film.

MY KINDA GIRLS.

TOKYO GORE POLICE is neither creepy nor repellant like AUTOPSY or OLDBOY, but it's also not as bad as MEATBALL MACHINE or MACHINE GIRL. It's also not nearly as fun as VERSUS or STORY OF RIKKI-OH, even though these photos might make you think otherwise. It's sorta like a Ren and Stimpy live action film, a Saturday morning cartoon for kids who like to torture small animals. Or grown-ups who still buy soiled underwear in Zip-Loc baggies.

SUBTLETY IS NOT THIS FILM'S STRONG POINT.

HOUSE OF YES (1997)

FEEL HER QUIET BURN.

This is Parker Posey's show all the way, and anybody who's ever seen her hilarious and all-too-short performances in those Christopher Guest flicks (Best in Show, Waiting for Guffman) will already know that the lady can outright CARRY a film with her deadpan brilliance. Every SECOND she's on screen is a riot, full of quotable lines and memorable putdowns (and I'm from Pennsylvania, although not the Alabama part). But the REAL surprise here is that Freddie Prinze Jr. (Freddie from SCOOBY DOO) and Tori Spelling (from the tabloid of your choice) are also hilariously funny. Josh Hamilton is great too, and I don't even know who he is.

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK AND PARKER POSEY. WOULD YOU RATHER?

And watch for a young (and cute - she WAS only 17) Rachael Leigh Cook as the teenage Parker Posey. I had a feeling this was a former stage production when I was watching it - there are only 5 characters and the setting never changes. But all five actors give their absolute BEST comedic performances, and at 85 minutes, it's much better...and much FUNNIER...than JFK. Heck, I didn't laugh ONCE during THAT film!

MOUNTAINS COME OUT OF THE SKY AND THEY STAND THERE. HEY, WRONG HOUSE OF YES!