DEMONWARP (1988)

YOU WANT A MOVIE THAT’S 1/3 ACID TRIP, 1/3 SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED AND 1/3 OF THE FREAKIEST SCI-FI ZOMBIE ALIEN LIFEFORCE MEETS Q THE WINGED SERPENT MINDFUCK YOU’VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE? WELL, BOYS AND GIRLS, IT’S DEMONWARP. AND IF YOU'RE UP FOR THE CHALLENGE, IT’LL EVEN THROW IN OSCAR WINNER GEORGE KENNEDY AND THAT KID FROM SILVER SPOONS WHO ISN’T RICKY SCHROEDER JUST FOR THE SHEER BLOODY HELL OF IT. SO WHADDYA SAY? WANNA PIECE OF THIS ONE?

PSST, HEY! THAT FAMOUS SHOT OF ME RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST? NOT MY BEST ANGLE.

WHY NOT, THAT’S WHAT I SAID. THIS ONE’S GOT IT ALL. IT’S A BIG HONKIN’ FUCKFEST OF BAD ACTING, BIGFOOT COSTUMES, DRIPPY ALIEN GOOP, ZOMBIES IN SPENCER’S GIFTS HALLOWEEN MASKS, AND B-MOVIE BOMBSHELL TITTIES FOR NO DAMN REASON! AW, BUT I’M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF. LET’S TAKE THIS ONE SLOWER. LIKE, SAY, THE FIRST FUCKING HOUR OF THIS FILM! YEAH, THAT’S THE PENALTY TO GET TO THE PAYOFF IN DEMONWARP. THE FIRST HOUR OF THIS RAGGED LITTLE GEM PLAYS ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE THE WORST BIGFOOT IN THE WOODS MID-70’S SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED/CURSE OF BIGFOOT MEETS GRIZZLY SUMMER ROMP YOU CAN REMEMBER, WITH GRIZZLED OLD GEORGE KENNEDY PLAYING THE VENGEFUL OLD FOREST DWELLER TYPE, AND A PICKUP-FULL OF YOUNG, PRECOCIOUS SEXUALLY-PROMISCUOUS TEENS PROVIDING THE GUPPY FOOD. AND LOOKY HERE, ONE OF THE GUYS IS THAT KID FROM SILVER SPOONS, BILLY JACOBY, ALSO KNOWN AMONGST 80’S TEEN MOVIE BUFFS AS BUDDY GRIFFITH FROM JUST ONE OF THE GUYS! NOW HOW COOL IS THAT? ANOTHER ONE OF THESE KIDS, THE ONE THEY CALL FRED, GREW UP TO APPEAR IN A FEW EPISODES OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, ALTHOUGH MY GIRLFRIEND DOESN’T REMEMBER HIM AT ALL, AND SHE WATCHED THAT SHIT RELIGIOUSLY. SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.

HE'S HUNG WITH RICKY SCHROEDER AND SEEN JOYCE HYSER'S TITS. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

WELL, THE STORY BEHIND DEMONWARP, AND IT’S A DOOZY, STARTS IN THE 1800’S, WHEN A METEOR CRASHES NEXT TO A BABBLING PRIEST AND HIS HORSE. NEXT THING WE KNOW, GEORGE KENNEDY’S DAUGHTER’S BEING DRAGGED OUT OF THE HOUSE BY A SHAGGY BIGFOOT MONSTER, AND OL’ GEORGE GETS BEANED ON THE NOGGIN’ AND GOES A-SLEEPIN’ FOR A WHILE. NOW THAT’S A LEAP OF ONE HUNDRED FUCKIN’ YEARS THERE IN A FEW SECONDS. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DRAW A CONNECTION BETWEEN THE TWO EVENTS OR WHAT? IS THERE ENOUGH BEER IN THE FRIDGE TO GET MY BRAIN THROUGH THE REST OF THIS FILM?

LUCKY FOR US, THERE’S A STRETCH RUN COMING UP OF NON-STOP GRATUITOUS NUDITY, FROM 20 MINUTES TO 25 MINUTES, AND WE EVEN GET A QUICK MUFF SHOT ("MUFF" IS A TERM WE USED TO USE WHEN GIRLS HAD PUBIC HAIR, FOR THOSE OF YOU BORN AFTER 1995.) WHEN BUDDY GRIFFITH GRABS A GIRL RUNNING OUT OF THE SHOWER. THAT’S A FAR CRY FROM RICKY SCHROEDER, MY FRIEND. ALL THIS BUDDING YOUNG PULCRITUDE KINDA MAKES YOU FORGET ABOUT THE STAR OF OUR SHOW, THE MONSTER, SO AT 28 MINUTES IN, HE CRASHES THE TOGA PARTY AND, PRETTY STUPIDLY I MIGHT ADD, KILLS THE ONLY STAR OF THE FILM, BUDDY FUCKING GRIFFITH! FOR THE FIRST TIME TOO, WE GET A GOOD LOOK AT THE RAMPAGING SPACE YETI – AND YEAH, HE KINDA LOOKS LIKE BIGFOOT. OR A DRUNKEN GARY BUSEY. NEITHER OF WHICH IS A GOOD LOOK, BY THE WAY.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'LL PRETEND I'M RICKY SCHROEDER!

CUT TO MORE NUDITY (AND QUICK!), THANKS TO B-MOVIE QUEEN MICHELLE BAUER, WHO GOOD-NATUREDLY TAKES HER SHIRT OFF FOR NO REASON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS WHILE A SNICKERING GARY BUSEY MONKEY WATCHES FROM THE BUSHES. SHE AND HER GIRLFRIEND ENGAGE IN SOME SUNBATHING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOREST – WHICH IS PRETTY SMART REALLY WHEN ONE OF YOUR BUDDIES JUST HAD HIS HEAD CRUSHED NOT EVEN TEN MINUTES EARLIER – AND NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE ABOMINABLE HORNDOG STOPS BY AND TWISTS THE HEAD OFF THE GIRL WHO ISN’T MICHELLE BAUER, WHILE MICHELLE RUNS FOR THE SAFETY OF HER JEEP. IN AN AMAZING MOMENT OF INSANITY, MICHELLE ACTUALLY RUNS PAST HER JEEP – MAYBE SHE REALIZED SHE CAN’T DRIVE WITHOUT HER BRA – AND CONTINUES INTO THE FOREST BEFORE WEEPING OPENLY THAT SHE’S LOST. OH YEAH, AND STILL TOPLESS TOO. OR MAYBE THAT’S ONE AND THE SAME.

WHY, NO, OF COURSE THEY'RE REAL. ISH.

EVENTUALLY, OUR HERO JACK (WE FIND OUT HE'S THE HERO BECAUSE HE’S THE LAST KID ALIVE) CATCHES UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND CINDY, WHO’S KINDA WALKING FUNNILY THROUGH THE WOODS. WE KNOW SOMETHING’S UP BECAUSE SHE DOES ONE OF THOSE RE-A-A-A-L SL-O-O-OW TURNS TOWARD THE CAMERA, AND SHO’ NUFF WE FIND OUT BIGFOOT AND WILD BUSEY’S ALREADY GOTTEN TO HER, AND HER LEFT EYE IS NOW DANGLING FROM THE OPTIC NERVE AND GETTING BLOOD AND SHIT ALL OVER HER NICE NEW SHIRT. NEEDLESS TO SAY, JACK’S KINDA BUMMED BECAUSE THAT DANGLING EYEBALL THING ISN’T EXACTLY A TURN-ON, SO HE BACKS OFF WHILE CINDY GOES STUMBLING INTO A CAVE. JACK EVENTUALLY RECOVERS AND FOLLOWS HER IN, HOPING TO GET ONE LAST MERCY BOINK, ONLY INSTEAD HE FINDS THE BIGFOOT MONSTER AND SEEMS TO SHOOT IT DEAD. BUT AS IT DIES (AND BELIEVE ME, IT TAKES A WHILE), THE THING STARTS MORPHING BACK INTO A HUMAN – WITH SOME PRETTY COOL SPECIAL EFFECTS FOR THE TIME, I MIGHT ADD – AND THEN, AS THE KIDS SAY, THINGS REALLY START GETTING WEIRD.

WATCH OUT, BUDDY, I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU!

IF YOU’VE GOT A BONG, IT MIGHT BE TIME TO FIRE IT UP RIGHT ABOUT HERE, BECAUSE THE LAST HALF HOUR OF DEMONWARP’S LIKE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MOVIE. IT'S LIKE THIS MOVIE'S A RED FERRARI, AND UP TO NOW GEORGE KENNEDY'S BEEN DRIVING IT TEN MILES BELOW THE SPEED LIMIT WITH THE LEFT BLINKER ON. AND NOW FINALLY SOMEONE’S PUSHED HIM OUT THE SIDE DOOR AND SHIFTED INTO FIFTH. HANG ON, IF YOU CAN…

AFTER THE MORPHING YETI SCENE, JACK VENTURES FURTHER INTO THIS MYSTERIOUS CAVE, WHERE HE ENCOUNTERS A BUNCH OF DECAYING ZOMBIES IN THRIFT STORE HALLOWEEN MASKS AND A SPACESHIP. OR, RATHER, I SHOULD SAY THE FRONT OF WHAT APPEARS TO BE A SPACESHIP, BECAUSE THE BUDGET AIN’T SO BIG ON THIS ONE, AND THE ENTIRE CAVE SCENES FROM THIS POINT ON WERE PROBABLY FILMED USING LEFTOVER BACKDROPS FROM THE STAR TREK EPISODE WITH THE HORTA. OH YEAH, AND BUDDY GRIFFITH’S BACK, NOW HALF-DECAYED AND DOING A REALLY SHITTY JACK NICHOLSON IMPERSONATION. GOD DAMN, WHY AIN’T I EVEN GETTING A BUZZ YET?

HEY, HOW'D HELENA BONHAM CARTER GET IN HERE?

OKAY, SO, LIKE, THE ZOMBIES START ATTACKING JACK, BUT HE’S A GOOD SHOT, AND HE STARTS PICKIN’ ‘EM OFF ONE BY ONE, EVEN THOUGH THEY HISS JUST LIKE SLEESTAKS (WELL, THEY ARE IN A CAVE WITH A SHITTY STYROFOAM PYLON) AND ONE OF ‘EM IS EVEN WEARING A RESIDENTS T-SHIRT! PERSONALLY, ANY KID WHO PRETENDS TO LIKE THE RESIDENTS DESERVES TO BE A DECAYING ZOMBIE, IF YOU ASK ME.

OH SO THAT'S WHO'S BUYING RESIDENTS ALBUMS!

MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE SPACECRAFT, THERE’S AN ICKY DRIPPY SPACE DEMON OVERLORD WHO’S WATCHING HIS ZOMBIE FLUNKIES BRING IN A (STILL) TOPLESS MICHELLE BAUER TO BE BOUND AND SACRIFICED ON THE ALTAR BY…ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?...THE 19TH CENTURY PRIEST FROM THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES OF THE FILM! AHH, SO THAT’S WHERE HE’S BEEN! THEY BIND HER ON THE TABLE – NOW THIS FILM IS REALLY GETTING GOOD! – AND SOMEHOW THE CREEPY PRIEST MANAGES TO STAB THROUGH ALL THAT SILICONE TO GET TO HER HEART. QUITE AMAZINGLY, EVEN AFTER THE PRIEST REMOVES HER HEART FROM HER CHEST AND HOLDS IT UP FOR THE DEMON SPACE BUG, MICHELLE STILL MANAGES TO MOVE HER HEAD! NOW THAT'S TALENT! COULD BRINKE STEVENS DO THAT?

OH GOD NO, NOT THE RESTRICTIVE CLOTHING! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

SO OKAY, THE DRIPPY DEMON LORD EATS HER HEART, WHICH IS NOT WHERE I WOULD’VE STARTED BUT HEY. ODDLY, THE PRIEST KEEPS MUMBLING “THERE IS MORE…THERE IS MORE” SO I’M GUESSING THE HEART WAS JUST AN APPETIZER. BUT INSTEAD, THEY BRING IN ANOTHER TOPLESS BABE AND BIND HER TO THE TABLE TOO! THIS IS THE BEST ALIEN RACE IN THE FUCKING UNIVERSE, MAN! TOO BAD JACK BREAKS UP THE PARTY THIS TIME (SOMEWHERE MICHELLE BAUER IS HEARD MUTTERING “THANKS FOR YOUR TIMING, ASSHOLE!”), SHOOTS OVERLORD POST-NASAL DRIP IN HIS CHAIR (HE CAN’T SEEM TO GET OUT OF IT FOR SOME REASON – HOW DID THIS DUMB FUCK GET TO BE A SPACE CAPTAIN?), BUT NOT BEFORE CAPTAIN DRIPPY HAS ALREADY STABBED HIS BEST FRIEND FRED AND INJECTED HIM WITH SOME URINE-COLORED SPACE PISS! ONCE AGAIN, YOU GOTTA WORK ON THAT TIMING THERE, JACK! HOW IS FRED GONNA EXPLAIN THAT TO THE PRODUCERS OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES?

HIGHLIGHT FROM THE STAR TREK OUTTAKES REEL

WELL NOW, IT SEEMS LIKE JACK MIGHT’VE SAVED THE DAY, BUT FRED’S ALREADY TURNING INTO A GARY BUSEY STUNT DOUBLE, AND DESPITE JACK’S INSISTENCE THAT HE LEAVE, FRED KNOWS THE ONLY THING HE CAN DO NOW IS STAY BEHIND AND SACRIFICE HIMSELF BY IGNITING THE CONVENIENT BUNDLE OF DYNAMITE HE’S GOT STRAPPED AROUND HIS WAIST. “THIS IS FOR JOYCE HYSER’S TITS!” HE’S HEARD SCREAMING AS THE ENTIRE CAVE AND THE ZOMBIES AND THE MUCUS-FILLED ALIEN OVERLORD GO UP IN A BIG, FIERY, POORLY-ADDED-IN-POST-PRODUCTION EXPLOSION. THE WORLD IS SAVED, JACK’S GOT AT LEAST ONE GIRL LEFT TO BOINK, AND WHAT THE FUCK, DID GEORGE KENNEDY DECIDE TO TAKE THE REST OF THIS MOVIE OFF? “FUCK THIS SHIT,” HE CAN BE HEARD SAYING OVER THE CLOSING CREDITS, “NAKED GUN CAN’T BE MORE THAN A FEW YEARS AWAY, RIGHT?”

FUCK YOU, GWAR! I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT!

OKAY, SO WHAT STARTED OUT LOOKING LIKE ONE OF THE WORST HACK JOBS IN BIGFOOT CINEMA HISTORY TURNED OUT TO BE THE WACKIEST HALF HOUR I’VE SEEN ON VIDEOTAPE IN THE LAST YEAR – A GLORIOUS MIX OF BREEDERS, MUTANT AND FORBIDDEN PLANET ON BROWN ACID, AND THAT KINDA MADE MY DAY. THE CHICKS WEREN’T THE BEST LOOKING ON THE PLANET, BUT THEY GAVE UP THEIR TOPS AND THEIR EYEBALLS FOR NEXT TO NOTHING, AND WE NOW HAVE PROOF THAT MICHELLE BAUER, LIKE ANY MEMBER OF THE CHEYNEY FAMILY, CAN STILL FUNCTION WITHOUT HER HEART. AHH, BUT TAKE AWAY THOSE SILICON PUPPIES AND SHE’D BE DEADER THAN A DOORNAIL IN A SECOND. 4 OUT OF 5 KARIS. AND THE FASTEST THIRTY MINUTES IN CINEMA HISTORY.

FAST FORWARDING TO THE GOOD PARTS:

20 MINUTES – SEX AND…
24 MINUTES - …A SHOWER, AND NOT EVEN THE SAME GIRL!

I SAID MMMMPPHHH I'M BEST FRIENDS MMMPPGGGLLPHHH WITH RICKY MMGGPPFF SCHROEDER...

28 MINUTES – OUR FIRST SIGHT OF THE MONSTER, AND IT’S A WINNER! JAKE, DADDY’S GOTTA GO OUT TONIGHT…

41 MINUTES – MICHELLE BAUER THINKS IT’S TOO HOT WITH A SHIRT.

43 MINUTES - …AND IT’S THE GIRL WITH THE SHIRT ON THAT GETS KILLED. WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE ARE WE SENDING OUR KIDS HERE?

52 MINUTES – CHECK OUT GEORGE KENNEDY’S STATE-OF-THE-ART 1988 CALCU-WATCH! I BET HE GOES HOME AND PLAYS ASTEROIDS IN COLOR ON HIS COMMODORE 64 TOO!

AND I'VE GOT TECMO BOWL TOO!

53 MINUTES – GARY BUSEY MONKEY SNAGS ANOTHER VICTIM IN WHAT IS ACTUALLY A VERY BRUTAL DEATH BY BEAR TRAP AND POINTY STICK. OUCH! THE ONLY THING MORE PAINFUL THAN THIS WOULD BE WATCHING “THE GINGERDEAD MAN”.

1:06 – HEY CINDY, WHY THE LONG EYEBAL…I MEAN, FACE?

1:19 – MICHELLE BAUER’S TOPLESS BONDAGE SACRIFICE SCENE. I HEAR SHE DIES IN THIS SCENE, BUT I DIDN’T MAKE IT THAT FAR…

1:23 – ANOTHER TOPLESS BONDAGE SACRIFICE BABE! IS THIS THE HORNIEST ALIEN SUPER-RACE IN THE UNIVERSE?

EVERY GIRL'S CRAZY 'BOUT A SHARP-DRESSED MAN.