TRAVEL SIZE REVIEW: AFTER HOURS (1985)

Scorsese's finest moment. Forget Taxi Driver (overrated), forget Raging Bull (black and white) and forget Bringing Out the Dead (please). AFTER HOURS is the man at his peak, weaving a black comedy spiralling deeper out of control as one particularly bad night in Manhattan winds its way slowly toward dawn. Teri Garr extols the virtues of the Monkees, Rosanna Arquette shows off her ample curves, and Cheech and Chong do not smoke weed. And Robert DeNiro is nowhere to be found. Did I hear you say "masterpiece"?


ROSANNA ARQUETTE. TOTO WROTE A SONG ABOUT HER. THEY ALSO WROTE ONE ABOUT AFRIKA BAMBAATAA TOO, DIDN'T THEY?

DEMONWARP (1988)

YOU WANT A MOVIE THAT’S 1/3 ACID TRIP, 1/3 SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED AND 1/3 OF THE FREAKIEST SCI-FI ZOMBIE ALIEN LIFEFORCE MEETS Q THE WINGED SERPENT MINDFUCK YOU’VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR LIFE? WELL, BOYS AND GIRLS, IT’S DEMONWARP. AND IF YOU'RE UP FOR THE CHALLENGE, IT’LL EVEN THROW IN OSCAR WINNER GEORGE KENNEDY AND THAT KID FROM SILVER SPOONS WHO ISN’T RICKY SCHROEDER JUST FOR THE SHEER BLOODY HELL OF IT. SO WHADDYA SAY? WANNA PIECE OF THIS ONE?

PSST, HEY! THAT FAMOUS SHOT OF ME RUNNING THROUGH THE FOREST? NOT MY BEST ANGLE.

WHY NOT, THAT’S WHAT I SAID. THIS ONE’S GOT IT ALL. IT’S A BIG HONKIN’ FUCKFEST OF BAD ACTING, BIGFOOT COSTUMES, DRIPPY ALIEN GOOP, ZOMBIES IN SPENCER’S GIFTS HALLOWEEN MASKS, AND B-MOVIE BOMBSHELL TITTIES FOR NO DAMN REASON! AW, BUT I’M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF. LET’S TAKE THIS ONE SLOWER. LIKE, SAY, THE FIRST FUCKING HOUR OF THIS FILM! YEAH, THAT’S THE PENALTY TO GET TO THE PAYOFF IN DEMONWARP. THE FIRST HOUR OF THIS RAGGED LITTLE GEM PLAYS ALMOST EXACTLY LIKE THE WORST BIGFOOT IN THE WOODS MID-70’S SHRIEK OF THE MUTILATED/CURSE OF BIGFOOT MEETS GRIZZLY SUMMER ROMP YOU CAN REMEMBER, WITH GRIZZLED OLD GEORGE KENNEDY PLAYING THE VENGEFUL OLD FOREST DWELLER TYPE, AND A PICKUP-FULL OF YOUNG, PRECOCIOUS SEXUALLY-PROMISCUOUS TEENS PROVIDING THE GUPPY FOOD. AND LOOKY HERE, ONE OF THE GUYS IS THAT KID FROM SILVER SPOONS, BILLY JACOBY, ALSO KNOWN AMONGST 80’S TEEN MOVIE BUFFS AS BUDDY GRIFFITH FROM JUST ONE OF THE GUYS! NOW HOW COOL IS THAT? ANOTHER ONE OF THESE KIDS, THE ONE THEY CALL FRED, GREW UP TO APPEAR IN A FEW EPISODES OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, ALTHOUGH MY GIRLFRIEND DOESN’T REMEMBER HIM AT ALL, AND SHE WATCHED THAT SHIT RELIGIOUSLY. SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.

HE'S HUNG WITH RICKY SCHROEDER AND SEEN JOYCE HYSER'S TITS. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?

WELL, THE STORY BEHIND DEMONWARP, AND IT’S A DOOZY, STARTS IN THE 1800’S, WHEN A METEOR CRASHES NEXT TO A BABBLING PRIEST AND HIS HORSE. NEXT THING WE KNOW, GEORGE KENNEDY’S DAUGHTER’S BEING DRAGGED OUT OF THE HOUSE BY A SHAGGY BIGFOOT MONSTER, AND OL’ GEORGE GETS BEANED ON THE NOGGIN’ AND GOES A-SLEEPIN’ FOR A WHILE. NOW THAT’S A LEAP OF ONE HUNDRED FUCKIN’ YEARS THERE IN A FEW SECONDS. ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DRAW A CONNECTION BETWEEN THE TWO EVENTS OR WHAT? IS THERE ENOUGH BEER IN THE FRIDGE TO GET MY BRAIN THROUGH THE REST OF THIS FILM?

LUCKY FOR US, THERE’S A STRETCH RUN COMING UP OF NON-STOP GRATUITOUS NUDITY, FROM 20 MINUTES TO 25 MINUTES, AND WE EVEN GET A QUICK MUFF SHOT ("MUFF" IS A TERM WE USED TO USE WHEN GIRLS HAD PUBIC HAIR, FOR THOSE OF YOU BORN AFTER 1995.) WHEN BUDDY GRIFFITH GRABS A GIRL RUNNING OUT OF THE SHOWER. THAT’S A FAR CRY FROM RICKY SCHROEDER, MY FRIEND. ALL THIS BUDDING YOUNG PULCRITUDE KINDA MAKES YOU FORGET ABOUT THE STAR OF OUR SHOW, THE MONSTER, SO AT 28 MINUTES IN, HE CRASHES THE TOGA PARTY AND, PRETTY STUPIDLY I MIGHT ADD, KILLS THE ONLY STAR OF THE FILM, BUDDY FUCKING GRIFFITH! FOR THE FIRST TIME TOO, WE GET A GOOD LOOK AT THE RAMPAGING SPACE YETI – AND YEAH, HE KINDA LOOKS LIKE BIGFOOT. OR A DRUNKEN GARY BUSEY. NEITHER OF WHICH IS A GOOD LOOK, BY THE WAY.

ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, I'LL PRETEND I'M RICKY SCHROEDER!

CUT TO MORE NUDITY (AND QUICK!), THANKS TO B-MOVIE QUEEN MICHELLE BAUER, WHO GOOD-NATUREDLY TAKES HER SHIRT OFF FOR NO REASON IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS WHILE A SNICKERING GARY BUSEY MONKEY WATCHES FROM THE BUSHES. SHE AND HER GIRLFRIEND ENGAGE IN SOME SUNBATHING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOREST – WHICH IS PRETTY SMART REALLY WHEN ONE OF YOUR BUDDIES JUST HAD HIS HEAD CRUSHED NOT EVEN TEN MINUTES EARLIER – AND NEEDLESS TO SAY, THE ABOMINABLE HORNDOG STOPS BY AND TWISTS THE HEAD OFF THE GIRL WHO ISN’T MICHELLE BAUER, WHILE MICHELLE RUNS FOR THE SAFETY OF HER JEEP. IN AN AMAZING MOMENT OF INSANITY, MICHELLE ACTUALLY RUNS PAST HER JEEP – MAYBE SHE REALIZED SHE CAN’T DRIVE WITHOUT HER BRA – AND CONTINUES INTO THE FOREST BEFORE WEEPING OPENLY THAT SHE’S LOST. OH YEAH, AND STILL TOPLESS TOO. OR MAYBE THAT’S ONE AND THE SAME.

WHY, NO, OF COURSE THEY'RE REAL. ISH.

EVENTUALLY, OUR HERO JACK (WE FIND OUT HE'S THE HERO BECAUSE HE’S THE LAST KID ALIVE) CATCHES UP WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND CINDY, WHO’S KINDA WALKING FUNNILY THROUGH THE WOODS. WE KNOW SOMETHING’S UP BECAUSE SHE DOES ONE OF THOSE RE-A-A-A-L SL-O-O-OW TURNS TOWARD THE CAMERA, AND SHO’ NUFF WE FIND OUT BIGFOOT AND WILD BUSEY’S ALREADY GOTTEN TO HER, AND HER LEFT EYE IS NOW DANGLING FROM THE OPTIC NERVE AND GETTING BLOOD AND SHIT ALL OVER HER NICE NEW SHIRT. NEEDLESS TO SAY, JACK’S KINDA BUMMED BECAUSE THAT DANGLING EYEBALL THING ISN’T EXACTLY A TURN-ON, SO HE BACKS OFF WHILE CINDY GOES STUMBLING INTO A CAVE. JACK EVENTUALLY RECOVERS AND FOLLOWS HER IN, HOPING TO GET ONE LAST MERCY BOINK, ONLY INSTEAD HE FINDS THE BIGFOOT MONSTER AND SEEMS TO SHOOT IT DEAD. BUT AS IT DIES (AND BELIEVE ME, IT TAKES A WHILE), THE THING STARTS MORPHING BACK INTO A HUMAN – WITH SOME PRETTY COOL SPECIAL EFFECTS FOR THE TIME, I MIGHT ADD – AND THEN, AS THE KIDS SAY, THINGS REALLY START GETTING WEIRD.

WATCH OUT, BUDDY, I'VE GOT MY EYE ON YOU!

IF YOU’VE GOT A BONG, IT MIGHT BE TIME TO FIRE IT UP RIGHT ABOUT HERE, BECAUSE THE LAST HALF HOUR OF DEMONWARP’S LIKE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT MOVIE. IT'S LIKE THIS MOVIE'S A RED FERRARI, AND UP TO NOW GEORGE KENNEDY'S BEEN DRIVING IT TEN MILES BELOW THE SPEED LIMIT WITH THE LEFT BLINKER ON. AND NOW FINALLY SOMEONE’S PUSHED HIM OUT THE SIDE DOOR AND SHIFTED INTO FIFTH. HANG ON, IF YOU CAN…

AFTER THE MORPHING YETI SCENE, JACK VENTURES FURTHER INTO THIS MYSTERIOUS CAVE, WHERE HE ENCOUNTERS A BUNCH OF DECAYING ZOMBIES IN THRIFT STORE HALLOWEEN MASKS AND A SPACESHIP. OR, RATHER, I SHOULD SAY THE FRONT OF WHAT APPEARS TO BE A SPACESHIP, BECAUSE THE BUDGET AIN’T SO BIG ON THIS ONE, AND THE ENTIRE CAVE SCENES FROM THIS POINT ON WERE PROBABLY FILMED USING LEFTOVER BACKDROPS FROM THE STAR TREK EPISODE WITH THE HORTA. OH YEAH, AND BUDDY GRIFFITH’S BACK, NOW HALF-DECAYED AND DOING A REALLY SHITTY JACK NICHOLSON IMPERSONATION. GOD DAMN, WHY AIN’T I EVEN GETTING A BUZZ YET?

HEY, HOW'D HELENA BONHAM CARTER GET IN HERE?

OKAY, SO, LIKE, THE ZOMBIES START ATTACKING JACK, BUT HE’S A GOOD SHOT, AND HE STARTS PICKIN’ ‘EM OFF ONE BY ONE, EVEN THOUGH THEY HISS JUST LIKE SLEESTAKS (WELL, THEY ARE IN A CAVE WITH A SHITTY STYROFOAM PYLON) AND ONE OF ‘EM IS EVEN WEARING A RESIDENTS T-SHIRT! PERSONALLY, ANY KID WHO PRETENDS TO LIKE THE RESIDENTS DESERVES TO BE A DECAYING ZOMBIE, IF YOU ASK ME.

OH SO THAT'S WHO'S BUYING RESIDENTS ALBUMS!

MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE SPACECRAFT, THERE’S AN ICKY DRIPPY SPACE DEMON OVERLORD WHO’S WATCHING HIS ZOMBIE FLUNKIES BRING IN A (STILL) TOPLESS MICHELLE BAUER TO BE BOUND AND SACRIFICED ON THE ALTAR BY…ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?...THE 19TH CENTURY PRIEST FROM THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES OF THE FILM! AHH, SO THAT’S WHERE HE’S BEEN! THEY BIND HER ON THE TABLE – NOW THIS FILM IS REALLY GETTING GOOD! – AND SOMEHOW THE CREEPY PRIEST MANAGES TO STAB THROUGH ALL THAT SILICONE TO GET TO HER HEART. QUITE AMAZINGLY, EVEN AFTER THE PRIEST REMOVES HER HEART FROM HER CHEST AND HOLDS IT UP FOR THE DEMON SPACE BUG, MICHELLE STILL MANAGES TO MOVE HER HEAD! NOW THAT'S TALENT! COULD BRINKE STEVENS DO THAT?

OH GOD NO, NOT THE RESTRICTIVE CLOTHING! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

SO OKAY, THE DRIPPY DEMON LORD EATS HER HEART, WHICH IS NOT WHERE I WOULD’VE STARTED BUT HEY. ODDLY, THE PRIEST KEEPS MUMBLING “THERE IS MORE…THERE IS MORE” SO I’M GUESSING THE HEART WAS JUST AN APPETIZER. BUT INSTEAD, THEY BRING IN ANOTHER TOPLESS BABE AND BIND HER TO THE TABLE TOO! THIS IS THE BEST ALIEN RACE IN THE FUCKING UNIVERSE, MAN! TOO BAD JACK BREAKS UP THE PARTY THIS TIME (SOMEWHERE MICHELLE BAUER IS HEARD MUTTERING “THANKS FOR YOUR TIMING, ASSHOLE!”), SHOOTS OVERLORD POST-NASAL DRIP IN HIS CHAIR (HE CAN’T SEEM TO GET OUT OF IT FOR SOME REASON – HOW DID THIS DUMB FUCK GET TO BE A SPACE CAPTAIN?), BUT NOT BEFORE CAPTAIN DRIPPY HAS ALREADY STABBED HIS BEST FRIEND FRED AND INJECTED HIM WITH SOME URINE-COLORED SPACE PISS! ONCE AGAIN, YOU GOTTA WORK ON THAT TIMING THERE, JACK! HOW IS FRED GONNA EXPLAIN THAT TO THE PRODUCERS OF DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES?

HIGHLIGHT FROM THE STAR TREK OUTTAKES REEL

WELL NOW, IT SEEMS LIKE JACK MIGHT’VE SAVED THE DAY, BUT FRED’S ALREADY TURNING INTO A GARY BUSEY STUNT DOUBLE, AND DESPITE JACK’S INSISTENCE THAT HE LEAVE, FRED KNOWS THE ONLY THING HE CAN DO NOW IS STAY BEHIND AND SACRIFICE HIMSELF BY IGNITING THE CONVENIENT BUNDLE OF DYNAMITE HE’S GOT STRAPPED AROUND HIS WAIST. “THIS IS FOR JOYCE HYSER’S TITS!” HE’S HEARD SCREAMING AS THE ENTIRE CAVE AND THE ZOMBIES AND THE MUCUS-FILLED ALIEN OVERLORD GO UP IN A BIG, FIERY, POORLY-ADDED-IN-POST-PRODUCTION EXPLOSION. THE WORLD IS SAVED, JACK’S GOT AT LEAST ONE GIRL LEFT TO BOINK, AND WHAT THE FUCK, DID GEORGE KENNEDY DECIDE TO TAKE THE REST OF THIS MOVIE OFF? “FUCK THIS SHIT,” HE CAN BE HEARD SAYING OVER THE CLOSING CREDITS, “NAKED GUN CAN’T BE MORE THAN A FEW YEARS AWAY, RIGHT?”

FUCK YOU, GWAR! I'LL SEE YOU IN COURT!

OKAY, SO WHAT STARTED OUT LOOKING LIKE ONE OF THE WORST HACK JOBS IN BIGFOOT CINEMA HISTORY TURNED OUT TO BE THE WACKIEST HALF HOUR I’VE SEEN ON VIDEOTAPE IN THE LAST YEAR – A GLORIOUS MIX OF BREEDERS, MUTANT AND FORBIDDEN PLANET ON BROWN ACID, AND THAT KINDA MADE MY DAY. THE CHICKS WEREN’T THE BEST LOOKING ON THE PLANET, BUT THEY GAVE UP THEIR TOPS AND THEIR EYEBALLS FOR NEXT TO NOTHING, AND WE NOW HAVE PROOF THAT MICHELLE BAUER, LIKE ANY MEMBER OF THE CHEYNEY FAMILY, CAN STILL FUNCTION WITHOUT HER HEART. AHH, BUT TAKE AWAY THOSE SILICON PUPPIES AND SHE’D BE DEADER THAN A DOORNAIL IN A SECOND. 4 OUT OF 5 KARIS. AND THE FASTEST THIRTY MINUTES IN CINEMA HISTORY.

FAST FORWARDING TO THE GOOD PARTS:

20 MINUTES – SEX AND…
24 MINUTES - …A SHOWER, AND NOT EVEN THE SAME GIRL!

I SAID MMMMPPHHH I'M BEST FRIENDS MMMPPGGGLLPHHH WITH RICKY MMGGPPFF SCHROEDER...

28 MINUTES – OUR FIRST SIGHT OF THE MONSTER, AND IT’S A WINNER! JAKE, DADDY’S GOTTA GO OUT TONIGHT…

41 MINUTES – MICHELLE BAUER THINKS IT’S TOO HOT WITH A SHIRT.

43 MINUTES - …AND IT’S THE GIRL WITH THE SHIRT ON THAT GETS KILLED. WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE ARE WE SENDING OUR KIDS HERE?

52 MINUTES – CHECK OUT GEORGE KENNEDY’S STATE-OF-THE-ART 1988 CALCU-WATCH! I BET HE GOES HOME AND PLAYS ASTEROIDS IN COLOR ON HIS COMMODORE 64 TOO!

AND I'VE GOT TECMO BOWL TOO!

53 MINUTES – GARY BUSEY MONKEY SNAGS ANOTHER VICTIM IN WHAT IS ACTUALLY A VERY BRUTAL DEATH BY BEAR TRAP AND POINTY STICK. OUCH! THE ONLY THING MORE PAINFUL THAN THIS WOULD BE WATCHING “THE GINGERDEAD MAN”.

1:06 – HEY CINDY, WHY THE LONG EYEBAL…I MEAN, FACE?

1:19 – MICHELLE BAUER’S TOPLESS BONDAGE SACRIFICE SCENE. I HEAR SHE DIES IN THIS SCENE, BUT I DIDN’T MAKE IT THAT FAR…

1:23 – ANOTHER TOPLESS BONDAGE SACRIFICE BABE! IS THIS THE HORNIEST ALIEN SUPER-RACE IN THE UNIVERSE?

EVERY GIRL'S CRAZY 'BOUT A SHARP-DRESSED MAN.

TRAVEL SIZE REVIEW: BILL HICKS LIVE (2004)

I don't idolize Bill Hicks, but I do find him interesting. Anyone dying at 31 is a tragedy, really, and if Bill lived on, I'm sure by the content on these 3 live shows he'd be merely adding to his fairly consistent repertoire and not changing the world. Although he would've rid it of Denis Leary, and we can only hope Bill would've never starred in crappy comedies with Kevin Spacey. Don't get me wrong, I found Bill's comedy routines very funny and his don't-give-a-shit persona fascinating, but here's some food for thought for all those who thought he revolutionized comedy: Bill Hicks was supposedly angry with Dennis Leary for what he felt was a theft of his act. But in watching Bill, I see an awful lot of Sam Kinison, another renegade comedian/drug abuser who died way way too young (and around the same time too if I'm not mistaken). So just a thought - Bill Hicks was a great stand-up comedian, but neither his act nor his demeanor were entirely new. And if you want visual proof of what cancer can do to a man, on his final Letterman appearance, he turned into Martin Mull.

TRAVEL SIZE REVIEW: CHARLIE VARRICK (1973)

DOES WALTER REALLY NEED MAKEUP TO MAKE HIM LOOK OLDER?

Tarantino's dad directed. Walter Matthau was excellent, and he and Jack Lemmon did nothing but gripe throughout. Sheree North is always hot. And Norman Fell plays a tough guy, and does a great job until his wife appears at a crime scene and starts yelling "STAN-LEE! I'M HORNY!" Then Chrissy Snow pulls up in a '69 Camaro and guns everyone down. Oh, did I spoil the plot? My bad.

DEADLY DREAMS (1988)

WELL NOW, A TITLE LIKE THAT JUST BEGS TO BE TAMPERED WITH, AND IF YOU’RE NOT A FAN OF THIS NOT-YET-NOR-EVER-WILL-BE-ON-DVD HORROR FILM, IT WON’T TAKE MUCH SKILL TO REPLACE “DREAMS” WITH “DULL” AND CALL YOURSELF CLEVER. JUST LIKE MOVIEOVERLORD73 ON IMDB DID. BUT, WHILE DEADLY DREAMS DOESN’T EXACTLY MOVE AT LIGHTNING SPEED, IT’S GOT ENOUGH TWISTS AND TURNS AND FREAKY DREAM SCENES TO KEEP YOU INTERESTED UNTIL THE FULL-ON TWILIGHT ZONE TWIST ENDING COMES. AND THE KILLER WEARS A WOLF MASK. OR MAYBE IT’S AN OPOSSUM. OR MAYBE IT’S FOX MULDER…

GREAT. THE FIRST HORROR MOVIE VILLAIN WHO LICKS HIS OWN ASSHOLE.

OUR HEART-WARMING STORY BEGINS WITH THE MURDER OF ALEX’S PARENTS, WHEN WOLFPOSSUM HUFFS AND PUFFS AND BLOWS DOWN THE FRONT DOOR OF THEIR POSH LITTLE SUBURBAN MANSION WITH A .22 CALIBER RIFLE ON CHRISTMAS EVE. WOLFIE THEN CHASES LITTLE ALEX (WHO’S ONLY TEN AT THIS POINT) THROUGH THE FOREST, AND JUST WHEN HE’S ABOUT TO CATCH HIM…BAM! THE NOW 25-YEAR-OLD ALEX WAKES UP FROM A BAD DREAM. GET USED TO THIS. YOU’LL SEE IT APPROXIMATELY 20 OR 30 TIMES MORE BEFORE THESE 79 MINUTES ARE UP.

CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY GETTING STRANGLED BY A WOLFMAN WOULD GIVE YOU A CHUBBY?

ACTUALLY, FUCK THAT, YOU’LL SEE IT OFTEN ENOUGH JUST IN THE NEXT 10 MINUTES, AS WOLFMAN JACKOFF KILLS PRETTY MUCH EVERY FRIEND POOR ALEX HANGS WITH. OF COURSE, THEY’RE JUST NIGHTMARE VISIONS REALLY. OR ARE THEY? BUT WHEN OUR SILVER-TONGUED CASANOVA BANGS A HOT LIMBER FLASHDANCER NAMED MAGGIE THE FIRST NIGHT HE MEETS HER, OLD WOLFIE BOY LEAVES HER ALONE. THANK GOD TOO, BECAUSE IT GIVES US OUR FIRST NUDE SCENE OF THE FILM. TRY NOT TO LAUGH WHEN THE ENTIRE BED SPINS AROUND LIKE IT’S SOME BAD TRYST FROM RED SHOE DIARIES RUNNING AT 2 AM ON SKINEMAX. BUT IT’S OKAY TO LAUGH WHEN ALEX THROWS A SHIRT OVER A DEER HEAD MID-COITUS. ‘CUZ, Y’KNOW, HE’S SPOOKED BY ANIMAL HEADS, HEH HEH. OH, AND WAY TO CONCENTRATE ON HER NEEDS, DUDE.

THIS IS THE ONLY HOTTIE IN THE FILM. FROM NOW ON, PHOTOS WILL CONCENTRATE ON HER.

AS ALEX’S BIGFOOT AND WILDBOY NIGHTMARES MOUNT, HE FINALLY TELLS HIS OLDER BROTHER JACK, WHO EXPRESSES SYMPATHY BY PUTTING HIM IN A HEADLOCK, THEN HE TELLS HIS BEST BUDDY DANNY, WHO POINTS A LOADED SNIPER RIFLE AT THIS HEAD. IT DOESN’T HELP THAT DANNY’S GOT A SHELF FULL OF STUFFED PENGUINS IN HIS BEDROOM AND…HEY, WHAT’S THAT? A WOLF/FOX/POSSUM MASK UNDER HIS HAMPER OF SOILED UNDIES? NOW HOW’D THAT GET THERE?

HEY, I'D SHOOT SOMEONE WITH HAIR LIKE THAT TOO.

WHO THE FUCK KNOWS? WE NEVER DO FIND OUT. AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU’LL FIND MORE ANSWERS IN AN EPISODE OF “LOST” THAN IN DEADLY DREAMS. HERE, REALITY AND DREAMS HUMP EACH OTHER LIKE THE CAST OF “REAL WORLD” ON ECSTASY. ANY TIME SOMETHING INTERESTING HAPPENS ON SCREEN, YOU’RE JUST WAITING FOR SOME FUCKER TO WAKE UP. BESIDES, NONE OF THESE KIDS IS VERY SYMPATHETIC ANYWAY – ALEX LOOKS LIKE A SIMPERING BRAT WITH THAT FLAPPY 80’S HAIR, AND HIS BROTHER JACK’S AN OUTRIGHT DICK. WHICH IS KINDA WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SUDDENLY INHERIT YOUR PARENTS’ MONEY AND BUSINESS AFTER THEY’RE SHOT TO DEATH ON CHRISTMAS EVE BY AN EVIL POSSUM RAT. EXAMPLE: WHEN ALEX INTRODUCES HIS NEW ROOM-SPINNING, DEERHUNTING PIECE OF MICHAEL SEMBELLO ASS MAGGIE TO HIS BROTHER JACK, JACK RESPONDS BY ASKING HER IF SHE’S EVER WORKED WITH “SAM WEINBERG” IN NEW YORK. WHEN SHE ANSWERS YES, HE SNORTS AND SAYS “THERE IS NO SAM WEINBERG” AND CALLS HER A GOLD DIGGER. NOW, I’M NO OFF-BROADWAY EXPERT, AND I HAVEN’T BEEN TO A MUSICAL IN NEW YORK SINCE THE DAYS OF “YOUR ARMS TOO SHORT TO BOX WITH GOD,” BUT I GOTTA TELL YOU – IF THERE AIN’T AT LEAST ONE GUY WORKING IN NEW YORK THEATRE BY THE NAME OF SAM WEINBERG, I’D BE PRETTY FUCKING SHOCKED.

BABY, YOU'RE SO HOT THE ROOM IS SPINNING! OH, IT REALLY IS SPINNING?

WELL, THE RED HERRINGS AND WOLF FANTASIES CONTINUE, AS ALEX FINDS A DEAD DEER IN HIS BATHTUB WITH HIS NAME SCRAWLED IN BLOOD ABOVE IT. LATER, WHEN HE GETS THE SHERIFF TO INVESTIGATE, ALL THE BLOOD AND DEER PARTS ARE, STRANGELY ENOUGH, GONE. DON’T LOOK FOR ANY ANSWERS TO THAT LITTLE POSER EITHER. THE SHERIFF, MEANWHILE, IS AS FED UP AS THE REST OF US, AND CHASTISES THE RICH YOUNG HEIRS WITH WHAT MIGHT BE THE BEST LINE OF THE MOVIE: “I’VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU GODDAMN COLLEGE KIDS AND YOUR GODDAMN DRUGS AND YOUR GODDAMN BULLSHIT! (LONG PAUSE) GOOD NIGHT!” YEP, HE’S SPEAKING FOR ALL OF US.

CROTCHETY SHERIFF PLAYED BY ELMER CANDY, JOHN'S LESS FAMOUS LITTLE BROTHER.

DRUGS AND BULLSHIT INDEED. HOW ELSE CAN YOU EXPLAIN A SCENE WHERE ALEX MYSTERIOUSLY RUNS INTO HIS FRIEND DANNY IN A GRAVEYARD IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, DRESSED IN CAMOUFLAGE AND HOLDING THAT FAVORITE RIFLE OF HIS. DANNY’S EXPLANATION? “I’VE BEEN OUT HUNTING ALL DAY.” YEAH, BUT IT’S NIGHT. AND YOU’RE IN A GRAVEYARD. ALEX, THOUGH, HE SEEMS OKAY WITH THIS ALIBI. ME, I SAY “GODDAMN COLLEGE KIDS AND THEIR GODDAMN DRUGS AND GODDAMN BULLSHIT! GOOD NIGHT SIR!”

YEP. ROOM STILL SPINNING.

SEE, THE WHOLE THING KINDA PLAYS OUT LIKE THAT “HARPER’S ISLAND” TV MINI-SERIES. THE ORIGINAL MAN IN THE WOLF MASK – THE ONE THAT SHOT ALEX’S PARENTS WHEN HE WAS TEN – TURNS OUT THAT WAS A GUY NAMED NORMAN PERKINS (HMM…WONDER WHERE THEY GOT THAT NAME FROM? WAS IT TOO LATE TO ADD A DEPUTY NAMED ANTHONY BATES?). NORMAN SUPPOSEDLY KILLED HIMSELF AFTER THE HOMICIDE…OR DID HE? AND JUST LIKE WE DID FOR JOHN WAKEFIELD, WE’RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE DOUBTS ABOUT THIS FOR 79 MINUTES. WHICH, THANKFULLY, IS A LOT LESS THAN 14 EPISODES SPREAD OUT OVER 4 MONTHS ON A SHITTY TV NETWORK WITH A PAYOFF THAT SUCKS BALLS. YEAH, “HARPER’S ISLAND” TOOK A LOT OF VALUABLE TIME OUT OF MY LIFE, AND I’M STILL GETTING OVER THAT.

YEP. SHE'S A REDHEAD.

WELL, WITH BAGGAGE LIKE THAT, HOW CAN I RECOMMEND DEADLY DREAMS? WELL, FOR ONE, IT’S GOT WOLFBOY. AND IT’S GOT THAT WHOLE DREAM/REALITY THING THAT STARTS OUT ANNOYING AND THEN JUST GETS FUNNY. AND IT’S GOT A PISSED OFF SCOTT SALEM FUCK-EVERYBODY CROTCHETY SHERIFF WHO SAYS EXACTLY WHAT I’M THINKING. AND IT’S GOT JULIETTE CUMMINS AS MAGGIE, WHO MAKES THE ROOM SPIN AROUND THE FIRST TIME SHE BANGS, AND DOES IT DOGGIE STYLE THE SECOND TIME! OR, SHOULD I SAY, WOLFIE STYLE? OOPS, DID I SAY THAT OUT LOUD?

AND ONE FOR THE LADIES...

YES, THERE’S A TWIST ENDING, AND YOU MIGHT’VE SEEN IT COMING IF YOU WATCHED “HARPER’S ISLAND” AND GOD HELP YOU IF YOU DID. ACTUALLY, THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT, I BET THE CREATORS OF “HARPER’S ISLAND” STOLE THE WHOLE CONCEPT OF DEADLY DREAMS, PROBABLY KNOWING THAT THE FUCKER WOULD NEVER BE OUT ON DVD SO ONLY HARDCORE VHS NERDS LIKE US WOULD EVER KNOW. BUT WE GOT BLOGS. AND WE’RE SPREADING THE NEWS. AND GODDAMMIT, DEADLY DREAMS IS BETTER THAN “HARPER’S ISLAND” BECAUSE IT’S GOT DANCER TITS AND WOLF MASKS AND CREEPY GUYS NAMED NORMAN PERKINS. AND I JUST BET ONE OF THE GUYS WHO WORKED ON “HARPER’S ISLAND” WAS NAMED SAM WEINBERG. FUCK SAM WEINBERG. DEADLY DREAMS GETS 3 OUT OF 5 KARIS.

FAST FORWARDING TO THE GOOD PARTS:

26 MINUTES – WE WEREN’T ALL LUCKY ENOUGH TO LAND A FLASHDANCER BACK IN THE LATE 80’S, NOR WERE WE LUCKY ENOUGH TO BANG HER ON THE FIRST NIGHT! ALEX WAS. ALEX IS THE MAN.

42 MINUTES – THE DEAD DEER IN THE BATHTUB SCENE. IT’S LIKE “THE GODFATHER” FOR THE FIELD AND STREAM CROWD.

57 MINUTES – FULL-ON WOLFIE STYLE DANCER SEX FROM BEHIND! JULIETTE CUMMINS, I KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU THAN I SHOULD.

OOH BABY, YOU'RE HUNG LIKE A POSSUM!

BLOOD TRACKS (1986)

“Wherever we turn, there ain’t no way back
From the final burn, to the final attack!
Blood tra-a-a-a-cks!”

Pardon me, if you will, for rocking like nobody’s business there, but I just can’t help myself after watching 1986’s cannibal-cavemen-on-the-ski-slopes no-budget no-brains horror fest BLOOD TRACKS, which is so bad, boys and girls, it’s not even out on DVD. Keep in mind, they're re-releasing every Jess Franco movie they can get their paws on. Shit, even Pauly Shore movies are on DVD. So just how bad can BLOOD TRACKS be then? So bad, it’s good. That’s a cliché. There’ll be plenty more where that came from.

EASY ACTION. THEY MAY NOT ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE, BUT WOULD YOU SETTLE FOR A STIFF WINTER BREEZE?

Really, you’d be hard-pressed to find a movie that’s more locked in its year than this one. BLOOD TRACKS screams 1986 more than a Sheila E video. From the bad hair metal band Easy Action – obviously not named after the groovy Alice Cooper album – who hair-flip and air-guitar their way through the theme song like Ronnie James Dio being strangled by a Yeti (and don’t think I haven’t prayed for that). To the band of Haysi Fantayzee extras posing as groupies who look more faux new wave than a Liquid Sky convention. And either I got confused or fell asleep early in this one, because it sounds like the groupies have their own pop band, or go by the name of Solid Gold, since the minute they set foot on the ski slopes the crowd goes positively apeshit, chanting “Solid Gold! Solid Gold! Solid Gold!” until Marilyn McCoo herself claws her way out of the snow and tells them to shut the fuck up already. As the girls in Montel’s audience used to say, “They ain’t all that!”

DID SOMEBODY ORDER A DALE BOZZIO WET DREAM?

Trouble’s a-brewin’ in BLOOD TRACKS right off the bat. Our beloved and bubblegum-chewing Dale Bozzios are having none of this snow shit. “I’m gonna freeze my tits off!” one of ‘em yells right after getting off her rock and roll Roadmaster, to which the video director replies, “Who told you snow was warm?” Too-shay, Mr. Doo-shay, it’s bon mots like these I’ve been craving ever since Meatballs 3 went out of print. But before you can roll on the floor laughing your ass off, Easy Action suddenly appears on a snowbank and starts rocking like no one’s ever rocked before (in the history of rockin’) with that godawful shitty sub-Goth metal fuck song they call “Blood Tracks.” “Wherever we turn, there ain’t no way back! From the final burn, to the final attack! Blood tra-a-a-a-acks!” And if you think that sounds a little like Europe’s “Final Countdown,” wait’ll you hear the music. Never in my life did I think a band could make Winger look tough, but these snow pansies do just that.

EVERYTHING THAT COULD EVER BE WRONG WITH MUSIC.

Needless to say, their excessive rocking causes a sudden avalanche, and now our heroes are trapped in the slopes with their 80’s selves for a long time like some endless Square Pegs marathon in Antarctica. To cut a long story short (and I wish the makers of BLOOD TRACKS had), the group get killed off one by one by a freakish family of decaying cavemen who throw big steel girders in the air and buy their clothes from the Goodwill shop without washing them first. If you’re looking for gore, forget it – the killings and impalings in BLOOD TRACKS are too dark to see, and there’s probably a good reason for that. If you’re looking for sex, there’s some of that, but it’s filmed in that super-extre-e-e-m closeup MTV quick-cut crap style so you don’t get to actually see much of the good pink stuff, and again, there’s probably a good reason for that too. I swear the punkish blonde who gets banged early on is the same one in the 1986 cheapie Pod People ripoff BREEDERS, but don’t quote me on that. And don’t tell anyone I actually watched both movies.

BRETT MICHAELS WITH YOUR LITTLE SISTER.

Here’s the good news. Easy Action never play again. But by now you’ve sat through the theme song twice, so the producers are obviously showing you some mercy. Amazingly, our Winger wannabees don’t even get to play over the end credits – instead we get some weak Celtic new wave band like the Pogues or the Boomtown Rats going Adult Contemporary. No avalanche here, kids. These guys couldn’t even put a crack in an ice pond.

EITHER THIS IS ONE OF THE CREEPY CAVE CLAN TERRORIZING OUR 80'S SKIERS, OR IT'S COREY FELDMAN. I FORGET WHICH.

So yeah, I wanted to like BLOOD TRACKS because, despite what you may think, the 80’s were actually kinda cool when you think about it - I mean, they gave us MTV, Wall of Voodoo and Kari Wuhrer. But like the 80’s, BLOOD TRACKS is all superficial – the hair, the fashion and the eye shadow are there, but there’s no heart. No good sex. And no scares. And by anchoring their film with bad hair metal rather than a semi-decent synth pop new wave band, the makers of BLOOD TRACKS tell you exactly where their movie’s heading. Yep. This one sucks you like a hurricane.

WHY IS IT THAT JAPANESE SUBTITLES ALWAYS SEEM TO BE IN THE WRONG PLACE?

The 80's cheeze is peaking in the red on this one. Bad hair metal. Bad hair. Bad makeup. In a way, this is better than going to a Thor concert. Good for all the wrong reasons and endlessly entertaining. Just wish there were more tits. I'll go right up the middle with this one. 2 and a half Karis. Don't watch it alone, or sober.

DEADLY FRIEND (1986)

THIS IS WHY THEY TELL YOU TO LET YOUR PLAYSTATION 3 COOL DOWN

DEADLY FRIEND is so rooted in the 80's, it's funny. Well, it's not funny actually, nor is it scary. Unless you think the old deformed crotchety lady from THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN is scary, and you're right. I watched this while napping and was about to call it a cross between REVENGE OF THE NERDS and SHORT CIRCUIT when a basketball suddenly crushed a head like a blood-filled melon and made me momentarily say "Totally cool!" (I guess I got into the 80's frame of mind).

NOW THAT'S A BUZZER BEATER!

A few more bloody killings and I wondered why this so-called "horror" film took over an hour to get to the horror. What's really scary is what I wanted to do to Kristy Swanson and I'm not even sure she was legal when this was made. Deadly dull, until the last 20 minutes, and I apologize for the cheap cliche. But Kristy Swanson remained clothed, and even a man-eating robot couldn't save it. This is why they divide DVDs into chapters.

SHE LOOKED BETTER AFTER TAKING A BASKETBALL