ALLEGRO NON TROPPO (1977)

UH-OH, LOOKS LIKE OPRAH'S HUNGRY AGAIN.

Carl Palmer of Emerson, Lake and Palmer was once asked why his band felt the need to do hamfisted rock versions of classical pieces, and he said "Hey, if it gets kids who wouldn't normally listen to classical music to hear a few of the masters, then why knock it?" Well, that's not a direct quote because I don't actually have the beat-up 1976 issue of CREEM to transcribe from, but you get the idea. And hey, if it takes a bunch of wacky Marx Brothers slapstick skits and some animated tits and ass to get Italian men interested in Sibelius, then why knock ALLEGRO NON TROPPO either? I mean, the film knocks itself before anyone else can anyway - no sooner do they start filming when the narrator gets a phone call from a lawyer representing "Prisney" or "Bisney" in Hollywood who claim "they've already done something like this."

HOPE THEY HAVE CONDOMS ON THE YELLOW SUBMARINE.

Prisneyland's got nothing to worry about. The animation in Bruno Bozetto's ALLEGRO NON TROPPO is much closer to FRITZ THE CAT and HEAVY METAL anyway. But I liked both those movies, and I liked ALLEGRO NON TROPPO too - if the animation's not as polished as Prisney Studios, it's also not as sterile. There's a loose, unfinished and deeply disturbed feel to these cartoons. I wouldn't be surprised if the animators weren't using some chemical substances to enhance their work - these were the late 70's after all.

DON'T EAT THE BROWN ACID, MAN!

The Evolution/Ascent of Man segment is one long acid trip, and there's another segment involving a stray cat and an abandoned building that had to have been created on the most powerful downers ever made. It's a powerful piece alright, but Jesus, this segment's more depressing than a LEAVING LAS VEGAS marathon.

DON'T WORRY, THERE'S A HAPPY ENDING. OH WAIT, NO THERE'S NOT.

So if you compare ALLEGRO NON TROPPO side by side with FANTASIA, it just doesn't match up. The budgets aren't the same, the slapstick live action segments nearly sink this one, and besides, the two films feel completely different. But dare I say ALLEGRO seems to stick with you longer, somewhere deep in your gut, that is, if you make it through the whole thing without taking an Atra blade to your wrists. And if it got the Italian kiddies of the Seventies to listen to Sibelius more than a shitty Emerson Lake and Palmer triple live record, then I'd say it's done its job admirably. Hey Bruno Bozetto, you've just created a FANTASIA for pill-poppers and acid freaks! What are you gonna do next? I'm going to Prisneyworld!

WELCOME BACK, MY FRIENDS, TO THE SHOW THAT NEVER ENDS. NO, I'M SERIOUS, IT REALLY NEVER ENDS.

TOKYO GORE POLICE (2008)

YEP, LOOKS LIKE A SNAPPER.

There's no question the Japanese are messed up, but just HOW messed up, well, that's still open for debate. Take TOKYO GORE POLICE. Please. It's got cute schoolgirls with giant alligator jaws for legs, key-shaped tumors that split apart on your arms when they're inserted into a flesh keyhole, and dominatrix Gimp dogs who walk on legs made of samurai blades. If all this sounds a little...well, weird, let's face it, you gotta try really hard to shock people in a country where can still buy used panties in a sandwich bag in the back of your local grocery store.

SHE'S HOT, BUT SHE TAKES FOREVER TO GET READY IN THE MORNING.

Remember that fat kid in the 8th grade who tried way too hard to be your friend? He might've been a decent friend if he didn't try too hard. Well, TOKYO GORE POLICE is that fat kid. This film tries real hard to gross you out - the only problem is - the gore is so fake, it makes BLOODSUCKING FREAKS look like an autopsy film.

MY KINDA GIRLS.

TOKYO GORE POLICE is neither creepy nor repellant like AUTOPSY or OLDBOY, but it's also not as bad as MEATBALL MACHINE or MACHINE GIRL. It's also not nearly as fun as VERSUS or STORY OF RIKKI-OH, even though these photos might make you think otherwise. It's sorta like a Ren and Stimpy live action film, a Saturday morning cartoon for kids who like to torture small animals. Or grown-ups who still buy soiled underwear in Zip-Loc baggies.

SUBTLETY IS NOT THIS FILM'S STRONG POINT.

HOUSE OF YES (1997)

FEEL HER QUIET BURN.

This is Parker Posey's show all the way, and anybody who's ever seen her hilarious and all-too-short performances in those Christopher Guest flicks (Best in Show, Waiting for Guffman) will already know that the lady can outright CARRY a film with her deadpan brilliance. Every SECOND she's on screen is a riot, full of quotable lines and memorable putdowns (and I'm from Pennsylvania, although not the Alabama part). But the REAL surprise here is that Freddie Prinze Jr. (Freddie from SCOOBY DOO) and Tori Spelling (from the tabloid of your choice) are also hilariously funny. Josh Hamilton is great too, and I don't even know who he is.

RACHAEL LEIGH COOK AND PARKER POSEY. WOULD YOU RATHER?

And watch for a young (and cute - she WAS only 17) Rachael Leigh Cook as the teenage Parker Posey. I had a feeling this was a former stage production when I was watching it - there are only 5 characters and the setting never changes. But all five actors give their absolute BEST comedic performances, and at 85 minutes, it's much better...and much FUNNIER...than JFK. Heck, I didn't laugh ONCE during THAT film!

MOUNTAINS COME OUT OF THE SKY AND THEY STAND THERE. HEY, WRONG HOUSE OF YES!

BAD DREAMS (1988)

I'M THINKING OF STARTING AN EVANGELINE LILLY BLOG. WHADDYA THINK?

BAD DREAMS is a derivative 80s slasher that offers nothing new and probably couldn't scare my grandmother's bingo club. It's a shame too, because I REMEMBERED this as being one of the better ones out of those fertile pre-CGI Eighties, but watching it today merely elicited lots of (unintentional, I think) laughs.

OH DEAR GOD, NOT ANOTHER TRIPLE LIVE DAVE MATTHEWS CD!!!

Horror film characters traditionally aren't known for their brains (unless something's eating them), but nearly everyone in BAD DREAMS is beyond stupid, so I guess they all get what they deserve, except for the DUMB AS A ROCK young doctor who somehow makes Pauly Shore look like a Mensa candidate. What fucking mental hospital lets their patients walk freely in the halls, even using the elevators unchaperoned? Why is there a bone-crunching, razor-sharp exhaust fan (which doesn't seem to be spinning at a decapitating velocity anyway) kept behind an UNLOCKED iron gate AND an UNLOCKED maintenance door on the same floor as those free-wandering and oh-so-curious mental patients? What hospital leaves full bottles of steaming instant death formaldehyde on the table next to your bed (even if they're marked with those cool skull and crossbones labels that you see everywhere at pharmacies these days)? Since when does pulling a fire alarm suddenly cause all the doors to the dangerous solitary confinement rooms to suddenly SWING WIDE OPEN? And why doesn't Jennifer Rubin ever show the goods (when she couldn't keep her clothes ON in subsequent films)? These are just a FEW of the brain-rattling questions you'll ask when watching BAD DREAMS.

BAD DREAMS? MORE LIKE NIGHTMARES OF MY ART HISTORY CLASS!

I guess in a cheezy kind of Freddy Krueger/Night of the Comet 80's horror way, BAD DREAMS isn't as bad as it feels watching it today. Let's face it - Richard Lynch looks like a charred zombie even before the makeup department gets hold of him, and Dean Cameron's eyebrows and chin cleft are always more interesting than his acting. And Jennifer Rubin, God bless Jennifer Rubin, got me through many a lonely night in 1988. But BAD DREAMS fails to deliver the fright, and that's why you rented it. It won't give you bad dreams, but it may put you to sleep before its 84 minutes are up.

JENNIFER RUBIN. REMEMBER HER THIS WAY.

THE LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE (1976)

Not a horror film by any stretch of the imagination, LITTLE GIRL WHO LIVES DOWN THE LANE is a promising little thriller about a precocious young girl with crooked teeth who seemingly lives all by herself in a big house with no parental guidance. So what? That's EVERY kid nowadays, right? Ahh, but hold on - there's a creepy Martin Sheen who wants to get in her Garanimals, an even creepier magician kid who wouldn't know what to do if he did, and a school board member who actually HITS Jodie Foster - so much for PC films in the mid-70s!

HEY, MY SON CHARLIE'S SINGLE THIS WEEK. WHADDYA SAY?

The film looks like a Made-for-TV job (and might be, I'm just too lazy to check), and its promise of a really big payoff never delivers. The only "horror" element comes late, and would be a shock only if you were raised like a veal and have never seen another horror movie in your life. And speaking of horror, yes, little Jodie does have a nude scene - but don't get too excited. At this early age, she's still got the body of a pit bull. Hey, look, in 1976, I'm sure this film was scary as fuck. I mean, we shit our pants watching THE MANITOU, forgodsake! But in 2010, it's only of interest to pedophiles and Jodie Foster fans. So if you aren't John Hinckley Jr. or R. Kelly, keep moving...

JODIE FOSTER'S FIRST NUDE SCENE. HOTCHA!

AMATEUR (1994)

1994'S AMATEUR is a brilliant little dark comedy that has some of the funniest writing this side of an (older) Coen Brothers flick. Yeah, the writing and acting is mannered, but it's supposed to be. AMATEUR is 10,000 times funnier than your average Will Ferrell movie because all the actors and actresses play it deadpan straight, which makes their lines even funnier. Someone should teach Jim Carrey about that. Watch for cameos by Parker Posey and Michael Imperioli (Christophuh from the Sopranos) - Parker in particular is hysterical and definitely gets the tone of the film. Isabelle Huppert is wonderfully detached (if only ex-nuns were half as hot), Elina Lowensohn makes great eye candy (if only ex-porn stars were half as hot), and "Martin Donovan" is probably an indiefilm pseudonym used by Andrew McCarthy (they look identical).

THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN ST. ELMO'S FIRE, INNIT?

Also watch the scene between the two hitmen (who are hysterical) comparing cellphones and TELL me if Hal Hartley wasn't taking notes for his adaptation of AMERICAN PSYCHO, released 6 years later. Docked one star because the DVD I got looked like it was dubbed off a second-generation VHS tape left out in the sun in an old VIDEO PLAYLAND store, and it weren't widescreen at all. In fact, I have the original VHS tape and it looks BETTER. Someone REALLY needs to clean this up and give it a proper DVD release - it's an incredibly overlooked film. And it's better than TALADEGA NIGHTS: THE STORY OF RICKY BOBBY!

KISS ME IF YOU THINK I'M CHRISTOPHER LLOYD.

SHE'S A NUN. YOU CAN TELL BY THE CROSS ON HER CHEST.

BUTCHER BOY (1997)

PLEASE, GOD, PLEASE MAKE TERRY GILLIAM'S NEXT MOVIE GOOD.

This is what Terry Gilliam ASPIRED to recreate when making the (awful) TIDELAND. BUTCHER BOY did it much better a decade earlier. This is the tragicomic loss of innocence as viewed through the eyes of a 12-year-old. Much of it makes little sense logically, because (duh!) much of LIFE makes little sense to a 12-year old. As if! (Do kids still say that?) So watch as a precocious Irish boy experiences his mother's suicide, his father's slow drunken death, lecherous boy-loving clergymen, and the heartbreaking realization that close friends eventually do drift apart. Are we having fun yet?

MODERN CINEMA'S REPRESENTATION OF A BUTCHER BOY. CUTE, HUH?

A REAL BUTCHER BOY. REAL LIFE AIN'T SO HUGGABLE, IS IT?